Here, fair and gentle reader, is written my full scheme for a magic lantern show to dazzle the minds of men and demons:
13 world weary souls are plucked from their foul demesnes and relocated to a brooding castle in the Carpathian mountains, where they are held entrapped and must face many cryptic and onerous tasks, such as destroying a foul vampyre who stalks amongst them in the whispering moonlight, locating the cursed oriental gem that was stolen from a temple of Kali by the castles previous owner three generations hence and has since driven his descendants to madness, decadence and suicide, and giving a complete back to back recitation of 'The Vampyre' and 'The Rime of the Ancient Mariner' whilst suffering from a frightful malaise with this cold, inhospitable world, not to mention the effects of consumption, all the while vying with the hellish forces that hold the very living bones of the dank fortress in their sway. They are watched over by the shadowed and hideous all-seeing eye of Big Brother, a loathsome overlord who then relays their performance to the great, baying masses of the unwashed, whose jeers and taunts decide which of them may stay within the rough-hewn stone walls of that most dread citadel, and which will be cast out into the echoing chasms and eldritch pines surrounding the lonesome peak on which it stands, to be devoured by dire wolves and unholy, undead creatures in the corrupt pay of a mysterious organisation calling itself only 'The Daily Mirror' (Ah! What coded artifice!) The last wretched fool left within the haunted passageways of that crenellated pinnacle of Hades will be walled up in the attic with only their madness (and many large, malnourished plague rats) for company.
Presented by Christopher Lee
Narration by Vincent Price RIP
Special effects by Dr. H. West, Dr. S. Pretorious and Dr. V. Frankenstein
The well known gothic revivalist and auteur of dark lyricism Count Khar De'BevNor will host a show of discussion on the whole tragic affair with the members of the Hellfire Club called, 'Big Brothers Foul Orifice', which he will present from oak-panelled chambers, lined with many leather bound volumes of ancient and forbidden lore, from a chair upholstered in fine velvet and constructed from the bones of that ingrate imposter, Russel Brand, whilst 'Big Brothers Minute Homunculus', under the direction of personages as yet unrevealed, will spread the ghastly tentacles of unending horror into all corners of this green and (for the while) pleasant land...