Wednesday, September 06, 2006

The Remake of the Wicker Man

Neil LaBute: Hey, I've got this idea for a film you should look at.
Producer: Fire away.
Neil LaBute: It's a remake of the classic British horror film, 'The Wicker Man'
Producer: Hey, is that the one with Britt Ekland's ti...
Neil LaBute: They won't be in my film.
Producer: Ok
Neil LaBute: In fact, there will be no tits in my film. Heck, there won't be anything sexy at all.
Prodcuer: So what will you replace the sexual tension that drives the film with then?
Neil LaBute: Thought I'd up the stakes by making Rowan actually the Howie characters daughter!
Producer: Brilliant!
Neil LaBute: Also, all that pagan and christian imagery? The idea of a clash of strong opposed belief systems that really make you think about the nature of religion?
Producer: Yeah...
Neil LaBute: I replaced that with bees.
Producer: Oh marvellous!
Producer: Fuckin' A!
Neil Labute: Besides, I had to get rid of all of that because I've completely rewritten all the pagan characters to be shallow and one dimensional. I thought I'd also make them into a female led hippy commune where men aren't allowed to even speak, for pretty much no reason at all. Since it's impossible to believe they're actually real people, let alone feel any sympathy for their way of life or be charmed by their charisma (because, you see, I've given them no charisma at all) you can hardly have any real conflict, and to that end, the Howie character, who I think I'll call something dumb like 'Malus', isn't gonna be a strong christian at all. In fact he'll only mention God when he swears. To be honest, we were also worried that Nicholas Cages performance will be so absolutely obnoxious that it'll offend Christian groups more than The Last Temptation of Christ and The Life of Brian combined. So, we're just gonna make him this complete asshole with about one dimension...but guess what? HE'S ALLERGIC TO THE BEES!
Producer: Woah! You have Nicholas CAGE lined up for this?
Neil LaBute: Yeah, he loves it.
Producer: And he's ALLERGIC TO THE BEES?
Neil LaBute: Fuck yeah! I mean, the Wicker Man's plot is pretty finely crafted and all, but come on, an annoying shit getting chased around by cookie-cutter hippy chicks and bees for an hour then getting set alight? It's film gold man!
Producer: You gonna put any homages to the original in?
Neil LaBute: Yeah, I thought I'd re-shoot a few of the scenes from the original pretty much shot-for-shot, to really emphasise how shit the acting and cinematography is, you know? But I'd obviously have to make stupid changes to them that completely ruin them so that they'll fit in with the rest of the garbage I've written here on the back of this napkin. I also thought I'd try and cram in a few classic lines, mutilated, badly delivered and out of context, of course.
Producer: Of course. What are you going to do for the soundtrack? You gonna keep the musical element?
Neil LaBute: Well, I know the musical element was an integral part of the original film, and the soundtrack had huge critical acclaim and pretty much kicked off a British folk revival all on its own, but I always thought it was kinda lame. Besides, this is the 00's man. Who wants that hippy shit? They're only in my film so Nicholas Cage has some people to punch to prove the innate superiority of right-thinking, macho men. I'll just chuck in some completely generic bullshit some soundtrack writer whose never seen the original or even my film wrote in an afternoon.
Producer: Sound choice. Well, I gotta say, you've really sold me on this one Neil. I'll definitely see if I can get this greenlighted. Say, got any other projects on the go?
Neil LaBute: Well, I did do this idea for a remake of Witchfinder General, set in modern day mexico!
Producer: I'm all ears...

1 comment:

chris said...

well... i would actually pay to see this movie! yay for hollywood!