Saturday, July 22, 2006

The failure of White Metal

White Metal is pretty much a shitted up concept. A few white metal bands are passable, none are good, most are complete shit. The normal explanation for this runs something along the lines of "WEAKLING FOLLOWERS OF THE BASTARD CHRIST DEFILE THE PURE BLACK SANCTITY OF EVIL UPON WHICH BLACK METAL IS FOUNDED! POPESODOMY!", but the fact is that it is not the fact that these bands are Christian that are the problem. It is the fact that they are the wrong sorts of Christians.

Now, for all it's innumerable failings, Christianity is a religion that is, pretty inescapably, built on values of peace, love, tolerance, charity, forgiveness and beating to death homosexuals quiet persisting faith in the face of adversity. These are simply not attitudes compatible with black metal. Now, you get a lot of pagan black metal bands. Various pagan religions preach pretty unobjectionable values of tolerance, hospitality, personal integrity, faithful and true relationships, and dancing naked round cauldrons under the baleful gaze of the moon living in harmony and tranquillity with nature. Does pagan black metal ever talk about this? Do they fuck! You may get the occasional passing reference to the awesome majesty of the frozen North, but mainly what you're talking about is riding with the wild hunt to slaughter the cowering christian scum in their beds and burn their churches.

What I'm saying is, White Metal needs to take a similiar approach. You can't have a fucking crushing black metal song about turning the other cheek. No, what you need is:

  • Slaughtering infidels
  • Casting unbelievers down into the fiery pits of hell
  • Torturing witches in the dungeons of the Inquisition
  • The awful majesty of the baking Palestinian deserts
  • Crusading
  • ...etc.
The problem is that anyone who's going to be both liberal enough to like extreme metal and Christian enough to want to start an explicitly Christian metal band is probably going to be a pretty left-wing, easy going sort. Probably an Anglican or weekend Catholic. All the people who seriously believe that Christianity is about kicking ass and setting people on fire for disagreeing with you or keeping cats are either holed up somewhere in the Appalachians building up their assault rifle collection, running successful syndicated cable shows, or holding high political office, all professions too demanding to juggle with practices and gigs. What Christian metal needs is someone with balls who hasn't advanced his concepts of religion past the 13th century.

What Christian Metal needs, people, is Jack Chick.

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KRIIIIIIEG!

3 comments:

Trollstormur said...

expect KRUSADUR's album, "Killing Christians for Jesus" out next fall.

The Master said...

\m/

Really this whole entry was an excuse to post that black metal Jack Chick thing.

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