Monday, July 31, 2006

Normal service will resume after Wacken Open Air

I simply don't have anything to write about right now. I'm just measuring out my life in coffee spoons till Wacken Open Air. Oh man!


"My mummy comes from Venus
My daddy comes from mars
I come from Uranus
And I fly stolen cars!

Clockwork banana-banana moon
Clockwork banana-banana moon"

It still always amazes me how much crack Nik Fiend can fit in between three packets of cigarettes a day.

Sunday, July 23, 2006

Cutatarian 4 lyfe

I have recently discovered the existence of fruitarianism and have been sitting aghast at the joyless, wet, pathetic, stupid depths to which people can sink. In response to this, I have developed an opposing dietary philosophy, namely 'Cutatarianism'. The edicts of cutitarianism are simple:

  1. Eat only animals that possess an exceptional cuteness. Lambs, rabbits, ponies and chinchillas are all acceptable.
  2. If cute animals are not available, substitute majestic animals, or any animal that has ever been anthropomorphised in a major childrens cartoon.
  3. Pun often
I expect cutitarianism to be a resounding success. If I don't report back to you soon about my progress, I will probably have died from morbid obesity.

Saturday, July 22, 2006

The failure of White Metal

White Metal is pretty much a shitted up concept. A few white metal bands are passable, none are good, most are complete shit. The normal explanation for this runs something along the lines of "WEAKLING FOLLOWERS OF THE BASTARD CHRIST DEFILE THE PURE BLACK SANCTITY OF EVIL UPON WHICH BLACK METAL IS FOUNDED! POPESODOMY!", but the fact is that it is not the fact that these bands are Christian that are the problem. It is the fact that they are the wrong sorts of Christians.

Now, for all it's innumerable failings, Christianity is a religion that is, pretty inescapably, built on values of peace, love, tolerance, charity, forgiveness and beating to death homosexuals quiet persisting faith in the face of adversity. These are simply not attitudes compatible with black metal. Now, you get a lot of pagan black metal bands. Various pagan religions preach pretty unobjectionable values of tolerance, hospitality, personal integrity, faithful and true relationships, and dancing naked round cauldrons under the baleful gaze of the moon living in harmony and tranquillity with nature. Does pagan black metal ever talk about this? Do they fuck! You may get the occasional passing reference to the awesome majesty of the frozen North, but mainly what you're talking about is riding with the wild hunt to slaughter the cowering christian scum in their beds and burn their churches.

What I'm saying is, White Metal needs to take a similiar approach. You can't have a fucking crushing black metal song about turning the other cheek. No, what you need is:

  • Slaughtering infidels
  • Casting unbelievers down into the fiery pits of hell
  • Torturing witches in the dungeons of the Inquisition
  • The awful majesty of the baking Palestinian deserts
  • Crusading
  • ...etc.
The problem is that anyone who's going to be both liberal enough to like extreme metal and Christian enough to want to start an explicitly Christian metal band is probably going to be a pretty left-wing, easy going sort. Probably an Anglican or weekend Catholic. All the people who seriously believe that Christianity is about kicking ass and setting people on fire for disagreeing with you or keeping cats are either holed up somewhere in the Appalachians building up their assault rifle collection, running successful syndicated cable shows, or holding high political office, all professions too demanding to juggle with practices and gigs. What Christian metal needs is someone with balls who hasn't advanced his concepts of religion past the 13th century.

What Christian Metal needs, people, is Jack Chick.

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Tuesday, July 11, 2006

A sad day...

I've got a bike
You can ride it if you like
It's got a basket
A bell that rings
And things to make it look good
I'd give it to you if I could
But I borrowed it

You're the kind of girl that fits in with my world
I'll give you anything
Everything if you want things

I've got a cloak
It's a bit of a joke
There's a tear up the front
It's red and black
I've had it for months
If you think it could look good
Then I guess it should

You're the kind of girl that fits in with my world
I'll give you anything
Everything if you want things

I know a mouse
And he hasn't got a house
I don't know why
I call him Gerald
He's getting rather old
But he's a good mouse

You're the kind of girl that fits in with my world
I'll give you anything
Everything if you want things

I've got a clan of gingerbread men
Here a man
There a man
Lots of gingerbread men
Take a couple if you wish
They're on the dish

You're the kind of girl that fits in with my world
I'll give you anything
Everything if you want things

I know a room full of musical tunes
Some rhyme
Some ching
Most of them are clockwork
Let's go into the other room and make them work

Syd Barret, the legendary founder of Pink Floyd, has taken his final trip.

Farewell, and rest in peace Syd. We earthbound misfits will miss you.

Friday, July 07, 2006

It's only a movie...It's only a movie...It's only a movie...

No, seriously, what the hell happened to horror films? What the hell 25 years or so we've gone from Suspiria, Alien, I Spit On Your Grave, Carrie, Last House on the Left, Dawn of the Dead, The Shining, The Wicker Man, Zombi, The Evil Dead, The Thing; truly frightening and innovative works from all ends of every spetrum, to...well, what? Resident Evil, Silent Hill, Final Destination? We have a few nice things coming out still, particularly from Britain (28 Days Later and Dog Soldiers were great, and Shaun of the Dead is maybe the best horror-comedy ever), but even the best of it just...isn't too scary. Even latter day Hollywood gorefests like Saw and Hostel don't have a patch on something like Suspiria. Hell, even the modern independent horror films, such as The Blair Witch Project, are mired in a sort of smug post-modernism that drastically abrades any edge they might have.

One problem is that modern film-makers are thoroughly afraid of eroticism. It's fantastic how you can stick so many big-titted barely-legals in a movie and make it so fundamentally un-sexy. Film-makers in the seventies understood that perverted eroticism, summed up in rape-revenge classics like I Spit On Your Grave and Last House on the Left, and even the grotesque gigeresque sexuality of Alien is essential to any decent body-horror. It's the one thing people are not desensitised to, which is why rape-revenge always garners so many complaints and mudslingings, even from film cognoscenti like Ebert. Then, there's the fact that tension and suspense are all but vanished. I mean, look at something like The Wicker Man: you don't even know it's a horror movie until past halfway through, but most people will find it more unsettling than 90% of the modern crap. I mean, when was the last time you saw something as...tiring as the Shining, or the Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Leatherfaces saw just buzzing and buzzing and buzzing, and you know he'll never stop chasing her and never run out of petrol: that's the horror, not whatever he might do when he catches her. Gore itself just isn't that scary. Some of the goriest films of all time have been comedies (Bloodsucking Freaks anyone?)

And of course, there's the sheer fact of the Hollywood machine. Pretty much no category of film is as good as it used to be: it's all hashed and rehashed, safe boring crap with only a few directors with the clout to actually make something original.

Anyway, I'm kinda bored now. All I really wanted to say is: modern horror films suck shitloads of arse. So I'm gonna go watch Nightmares in a Damaged Brain and see if the plot makes any more sense the third time round.

I doubt it will.