Thursday, June 22, 2006

Most pretentious record review ever!

Ostara - Secret Homeland

by Michael Cunningham
" You miserable, uneducated half-men. You're not at all what we fought for...". So utters a Roman general at the opening of Operation Valkrie, addressing his Germanic captor who offers the general the flames of despair and the passing glory they consume in return for his life which he accepts despite his contempt. The vehicle of Ostara's music then drifts to us through the fog of Europe, the great mother of the grave. At times one may glimpse a spear held aloft, carried in deceitful fists until it is driven into the tragic sons of her soil and their blood that weeps with iron tears. In this work Ostara has created a melodic and beautifully tragic parchment which is soaked in Europe's restless soil. Acoustic and sweeping sounds swirl above the churning cyclic sea of death and rebirth as it rises and floods Europe with strife and struggle before the fall that brought her crashing down in acrid glory towards an impending Ragnarok and the open maw of Fenris, in who's eye one may gaze, fleetingly, at the distant memories of the polar Hyperborean throne drowned in the tidal myths that now conceal it's light. Operation Valkrie provides an informed and textured vision for the listener, strengthened by driving vocals this is a stunning work and is deserving of repeated listenings of the broken glories it envisages. This work rewards on every play and certainly lights the path for Ostara within the rising heathen halls of Midgardr.

...Holy shit. How much did they pay you?

Covenant winning the 'most ridiculous use of imagery in music' award.

We are submariners close to foreign shores. Time is like a blanket on my face: the soil on which we walk a mountain of mistakes for us to climb for pleasure. I hear your words melt like snow on my skin; you dig holes through the earth to meet the king of worms
to steal away his wisdom and learn to decompose. Time is like a liquid in my hands.

We are all airborne without ground control.

Monday, June 19, 2006

Guide to creating good parody band

With post-modernism and hipster irony still seemingly on the rise everywhere, it seems there's just more and more parody bands of various sorts around, often parodies. The large majority of them are pretty crap, because they fail to actually get the point of being a comedy band. For a comedy band to be good, it must observe several rules:

1) It MUST ACTUALLY PLAY GOOD MUSIC. Tom Lehrer got away with his delighful ditties on Gonorrhea and Nuclear Apocalypse because he could seriously tinkle the ivories. Crotchduster flow better than Mr. Bungle and have tight, technically minded guitarwork. Even Tenacious D knew how to rock the hell out. Making the basis for your joke band 'HEY GUYS LETS PLAY REALLY SHIT LOL' is fucking retarded. Mainly because Anal Cunt have already done it. About 30 times.
2) You must have a thorough knowledge and, dare I say it, respect for the thing you're making fun of. Hipsters playing joke metal (see Goblin Cock) will never, ever be as good as metalheads playing joke metal (see Viking Skull, 3 Inches of Blood, etc.). Thus why no metalheads actually listen to Goblin Cock. This is also probably why there is almost no real parody emo around (The one notable exception being Vegan Brownies by the Horn-Rim Jobs). I could never start a parody emo band, because I fucking hate emo, and most emos couldn't do it because they're too bloody uptight. It's almost the opposite to goth, which actually started as a piss-take and then got taken over by terribly serious people with amusing hair (This is why you don't even need goth parody bands: the entire genres been parodying Bela Lugosis Dead for over 20 years now).
3) It has to be all out. Music is, generally, a medium that lends itself better to the expression of strong ideas and emotions. Thats why you get so much music about love, despair, hate, passion etc., and not so much about slight discomfort, or mild anxiety, or something. Fuck subtlety.
4) Swear a lot.
5) Be original. Maybe check to see if your idea has been done before, because if it's good, it probably has. Best example of this I can think of was when one of my mates suggested 'Lawnmower Metal' as a ridiculous metal genre, upon which me and another mate just looked at each other and then played him some Lawnmower Deth. Also, never, never, never rip off Anal Cunt or Tenacious D. Just no.


Sunday, June 11, 2006

The real reason why Wikipedia is useless for students.

Length of Wikipedias article on Count Sergei Witte: 674 words.
Length of Wikipedias article on Spider-Woman: 3022 words.

From this, we may conclude that either:

a) The geeks shall inherit the earth.
b) By inductive reasoning the following hypothesis: the amount of import a wikipedia article has to world affairs and mainstream intellectual life is directly inverse to its quality.
c) Wikipedia is a load of shit.