Saturday, May 27, 2006

News just in.

Pigs fly.

Darkthrone accidentally release a Carpathian Forest album as one of their own.

Tomato with perfect facsimilie of Jesus' arse found in
Mexico.

The Comfort of Total Fear

My current big obsession is fundamentalist Christians. I suppose I came on to it through doing some net reading on conspiracy theories, when I started noticing just how many conspiracy theorists were fundies. David Icke, with his 'nothing but love' new-age ramblings is definitely the exception rather than the rule, and it is no surprise that other conspiracy theorists, such as Alex Jones, hate him: Not only does he make them all look much more stupid, but he's just far too nice: he's not a religious bigot, he's not an eschatoligist...hell, he doesn't even hate Jews!

The time I really started noticing the correlation was when I was reading through the entire collection of Chick Tracts and Comics at chickcomics (laughing my arse off all the time) and I realised that all you'd need to do is replace the demons with the Illuminati and this could be almost any conspiracy document. Some don't even get to the devil...who needs old horny when you've got the black pope? All that christians have needed to do is just insert Satan behind the NWO (which, predictably enough, gives us Jews=NWO=Satan, to use the classic conspiracist formula) and maybe play up the Catholics a bit more and shazaam. Revelations could almost have been tailor-made for turning people into paranoid nutcases (Also, aren't paranoia and hallucinations both side-effects of massive hashish consumption? Just saying...)

What this basically allows the Christian Fundamentalist is the blissful comfort of hating and fearing absolutely everything, from black metal to pokemon, from dungeons and dragons to orange juice (The sweetened urine of Satan himself, apparently). This removes them from the onerous task of thinking about anything for more than two seconds:

10 IF SOMETHING$ /= BIBLE THEN GOTO HELL

What I have done with these thoughts is fuse them into one of the many ideas for a novel that I always have on the boil. Basically, fuck the Catholics. How about if all of christianity is a conspiracy theory? Yeah, I know, it's been done, but hey.

Mine has vampires.

Wednesday, May 17, 2006

The people who design A-Level exams should be taken outside and shot behind the chemical sheds.

I have to memorize, by fucking rote, key quotations from four. fucking. texts. One of them a Chaucer. If I don't, I can't hit the linguistic analysis assesment objective, and so I can't progress past C/D, even if my other assesment objectives are met with such crippling brilliance they would cause Neitzsche to scream in envy. What I don't understand is, FUCKING WHY!? COULD THE TIME SPENT MEMORIZING THESE BLASTED FUCKING BASTARD WHORESON QUOTATIONS NOT BE BETTER EMPLOYED LEARNING SHIT ABOUT ENGLISH AND APPLYING THAT LEARNED FUCKING KNOWLEDGE? DO CRITICS WRITE THEIR FUCKING REVIEWS WITHOUT THE BOOK THEIR REVIEWING AT HAND? DO TEACHERS TEACH THEIR TEXTS WITHOUT A COPY? WHAT IS THE GODDAMN FUCKING SHITTING POINT AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGH.

Also, I have an extreme desire, at this moment, to go out into the garden, break off an enormous stick from the apple tree, and beat my sister into a bloodied pulp. But that's another post.

Hell, that's another fucking blog.

Thursday, May 11, 2006

Stop mis-using black metal terminology.

If you freely and seriously use the term 'Necro' to describe the music you listen to, it's very unlikely that you actually know any bands that are necro.

And you are probably an idiot.

Wednesday, May 10, 2006

Kinda creepy.

It's kinda creepy to think that people are still reading and positively reviewing my several year old Hellsing fan-fiction.

However, it is also strangely comforting to know that the intervening years have done nothing for the english skills of the average fanfiction.net user.