Tuesday, April 04, 2006

I fucking hate hipsters

Oh Gods, don't you? Have you never seen a scrotty cunt with a godawful haircut, three belts, a baby blue slogan shirt and pants down around his arse and just wanted to just beat him with a bike chain until he looked like something out of The Evil Dead? I know I have. Oh, but why hate the hipsters, you ask. Why not?

Reasons for hating hipsters:

1. They have no real taste.

The average hipsters taste is composed of nothing but flavpurs of the month, safe 'classics' that random people at shows and on the web will '<3' them for liking, and any band that they think no-one else has heard of that will enhance their 'cred'. They are trapped in a hellish musical present by their pathetic need to have chronologically superior tastes to everyone else (OMG I LIKED NEUTRAL MILK HOTEL WHEN I WAS IN THE WOMB). The idea that people might actually care how long they've listened to a band for compared to others did kinda shock me, but it's true. The really funny thing is how absolutely anything outside the accepted hipster canon is then simply written off as a 'guilty pleasure', thus proving that the hipsters concept of taste is entirely linked to outside forces. I mean, I genuinely do feel guilty and ashamed for listening to Meat Loaf and Bonnie Tyler (shut up!), but feeling guilty for listening to SKINNY PUPPY? Come the fuck on people. Also, Hipsters will utterly love a band, then completely forget about them en masse. I remember when hipsters everywhere (though especially in America, where the worst of Englands music is hailed as almighty) thought Franz Ferdinand had descended from Olympus to gift mankind with rock, and now no-one even mentions 'em.

2. They are self-contradictory.

Hipsters thrive on a percieved notion of cultural superiority. The notion is, that they have a wide-ranging knowledge of art, music and film that makes them sophisticated and cool and elevates them above mere mortals. In fact, they have a very blinkered and narrow knowledge of certain types of art, music and film (mainly of the bland, pastel, ironic and utterly dire variety). All hipsters lists of top ten films will include Garden State. They used to all include Napoleon Dynamite as well, but that got uncool, thank fuck. Hipsters will generally know nothing of any area of music outside the remit of the 'indie'. And of course, the ultimate irony of almost all independent stuff, except for a very minor fringe of real DIY bands, is that none of this stuff is indie by choice. It would love to be mainstream, and, given the right marketing or swing in popular tastes, 99% of it could be. Indie music, in particular, is almost singularly bland, unadventurous and, in fact, almost entirely resembles its mainstream counterparts except for a general lack of production polish. Hipsters even champion these tedious, mainstream aspects of their music (pop sensibilities olol), though, cretinous fashion zombies as they are, few of them can entirely live on a diet of gut-wrenchingly bad indie pop (though those that do should arguably be shot on site to prevent contamination of the gene-pool. Not that many Belle and Sebastien fans do more than have a little paddle in it, but hey, better safe than sorry.) and they do accasionally adopt some entirely random musical trend (alt. Country, lighter drone music and post-rock spring to mind. Note the relative non-offensiveness. The Hipsters ain't taking even an ironic liking to grindcore anytime soon.) This random trend stuff will be the only decent music a hipster listens to, apart from old Beatles records. The really, really awful thing about hipsters though? They hate proficient music. They overwhelmingly dislike guitar solos and any form of progressive rock (even Pink Floyd ffs). This, in my book, is pretty much grounds for the extermination camps.

3. They dress like retards.

See: 99.9999% of Myspace.

4. They like Starbucks and its pallid clones.

This just about speaks for its fucking self. Go stick your fucking cold moccacino americano latte monte verde up your fucking arse.

That was therapeutic but I'm bored now. Friend of mine just put me onto this black/death metal from his area, called Martyrdom and they ain't bad. They are certainly at this moment more interesting than ranting about fucking hipster scum.

Check 'em out

64 comments:

hey_mr_crow said...

And we hipsters fucking hate you!

Preraphaelite desire said...

That was a rant, sure, but fair and spot-on. What's worse are the hipsters who are musicians - invariably they're bassists. Hipsters who love Sonic Youth but hate Swans or John Zorn piss me off, though.

DeathCabForHipsters said...

Other traits I've noticed from hipsters here in NYC:

- Hipsters inappropriate intensity for any given situation. It always seems that they refuse to have fun and are apparently successful at it.

- Hipsters look with disdain upon mainstream human sexuality and affection. They don't do PDA's. They don't have children. They don't do marriage. They do make-out as a planned activity, however.

Anonymous said...

awesome rant.

Anonymous said...

I live in NYC- I am in Hipster Hell! They should all be shot.
They are just spoiled little brats who think they are rebelling against governmnet, society, etc anD believe they are on some higher ground. But they are all idiots whose mommy and daddy pay their rent & living expenses. They don't do shit, they take up space. AND THEY ALL THINK THEY ARE ARTISTS. Club 205 in NYC and Studio B in Brooklyn--THE WORST!!! KILL ALL THE HIPSTERS!!!! DIE HIPSTER SCUMS!!!

Anonymous said...

I'm counting the days for when that stupid skirt-over-pants look is over. I'll be opening up a bottle of champagne, kid you not!!

vargas said...

One of the worst 80's looks ever. And somebody decided to bring it back.

They should be shot.

Mike G said...

I cannot stand fucking hipsters. Thank you so much for putting so many of my thoughts into words.

Anonymous said...

Most of you must have pretty small boring lives to get so incensed by a group of people that are harmless and so easily ignorable due to their non-confrontational nature. I mean, really, I pity you that you have to walk around with so much hate in your lives. Pathetic.

john said...

These little know it alls are just treckies trying to be different but guess what they are all the same. Its like a fucking sect or something I think its going to be so interesting when they disperse there are going to be a lot of lost soles. TRENDY TRENDY TRENDY!

Anonymous said...

Silverlake should be NUKED and everyone fleeing wearing b&w striped shirts and 80s vintage shot at point blank.

Anonymous said...

YEEEAAAHH BUDDY! Fuck Hipsters. I wanted to dress like one for All Hallows Eve but couldn't push my junk into my little sister's expandi-jeans! Plus I couldn't think of anything completely random to say and subsequently act like I made a terrific observation about life.

Anonymous said...

If you don't mind, I'd like to correct your terminology there. The posers and wannabes you and everyone else here seem to despise hardly fits the true description of hipsters. Keeping up with the newest hipster fashion trends hardly fits with the often poverty striken non-conformists, who are more likely to get their clothing from the local Value Village. The very idea of hipster fashions is almost laughable, if it weren't so pathetic and sad. To be hip means you don't have to announce to the world that you're hip, you just are. It might mean a real hipster is a square peg, or even, God forbid, a nerd, but bears it with confidence, because that is who he or she is. Maybe, just maybe, the wannabes will think how ever the real thing dresses or acts is hip, and emulates it. Real hipsters took to the Indie scene because they liked it - it was the posers who practically cannonized Indie films and music as part of their collective identity. As true non-conformists, real hipsters don't need any kind of collective identity to know who they are. I've gotta think, this prepackaged, fashion driven movement of intellectually shallow lemmings may just make the real thing shy away from being called hipsters in the end.

Oh well, the real thing never needed to wear the fashions or know the talk to know who they really are.

Anonymous said...

"To be hip means you don't have to announce to the world that you're hip, you just are."

I smell a hipster. Go die, you anorexic fuck.

Anonymous said...

You certainly don't have my number. Topping three hundred pounds, I'm the last guy to puke to stay thin.
As for being a hipster - - I don't have to wear a label to be cool.

And yes, fat asses can be cool, too.

Anonymous said...

YES! i've been looking for someone who hates hipsters as much as i do!

i'm 15 but already my high school is full of oh-so-ironic oh-so-fucking-contrived people sitting with their Strawberry Frappucinos and pink hair listening to Modest Mouse like no one has fucking heard of them.

those psuedo-afficionados (sic?) who claim to love Sonic Youth while they don't know their "Bad Moon Rising" from their "Sister" and don't even know who Kim Gordon is.

those factory-made "rebels" who decree that they are the be-all end-all of the art world. BULLSHIT, you soulless fucks! you haven't created a piece of art worth anything to anybody but your equally oh-so-hiptard friends!

you have no talent or soul! you have no oh-so-witty life observations! you have less to contribute to society than those stupid sayings on Starbucks cups!

you're not a "tortured artist" because you own a paint set and you have managed to choke through a pack of Marlboros!

FUCK YOU, YOU INTELLECTUALLY NONEXISTENT PSUEDO-BOHEMIAN POSERS!

(sigh) that felt good! :)

Anonymous said...

Agree with the rant completely.

Looking like (note the "looking like" and not "being") some sort of poor but intellectual artsy type is such a stupid fad.

I've talked to a couple of these types, one thought Death Cab for Cutie was "underground" and the other said they liked surrealism but didn't know who Max Ernst was (lol)

hey are just trendies who like the look, and we all know how fucking annoying trendies are.

SPORE said...

hipsters = homosexual jesus Christ's with spandex.

SPORE said...

oh yea, i forgot the neon colored denim jeans and/or jackets. faggot ass huge 80's frame glasses. why do you want to look so weak and gay? Hipsters make me sick and homicidal.

Anonymous said...

I absolutely HATE hipsters. They annoy the f@ck out of me with their walk, talk, attitude. They have the worst taste in music. But another common trend in hipsters is STDs and bad hygiene. Uggghhh!!

Ian said...

This post made me so happy. BTW, you're #1 in google for i hate hipsters.

However, being such brainless zombies as they are, they're very easy to use. Just look at marketing these days.

Anonymous said...

I just hate stuck up people, but when they have those thick framed retro glasses I hate them even more. The part where you wrote about beating them with a chain until they looked like evil dead was fucking great.

Anonymous said...

My favorite part is how they relentlessly contradict themselves. They are supposed to be completely unique, yet they all dress the same. There is no diversity. They are supposed to be so intelligent, but mostly just communicate amongst themselves. Most of which don’t have a real job. And god knows they would not talk to someone that puts a suit on and goes to work everyday. I would love to rant about the thousand other examples of how they suck; I have to go back to work. PBR, Lucky Strikes,U locks, keys on the outside of your overly tight jeans. Predictable and transparent

Anonymous said...

They are a band of losers. They outcast themselves from normal society because they think they are different and unique, but that is their biggest contradiction. Most of them were no one in high school and cling to the hipster life because they feel comfortable with other losers. My biggest complaint is that everyone of them thinks they are an artist or musician. Most of them produce the most vile crap on earth and their friends praise them for it. They also have the worst taste in fashion, music, art and when you talk to one of them they have no clue about what is going on in the world of fashion, music, art. POSERS! I live in the hipster hell they like to call Echo Park. If you don't like hipsters don't go there.

Anonymous said...

Truer words were never spoken.

Anonymous said...

i have a feeling you are confusing hipsters with scenesters and pop-punksters...

Anonymous said...

Yeah.
Theres a bunch of them
around my area.
They think they are all
sophisticated and believe that
trying to "graffiti" makes em
cool.

Anonymous said...

ugh HATE hipsters! i'm also in NYC aka, hipster hell! I refuse to even go to williamsburg. The mere sight of all the bad haircuts and skinny jeans, parliament cigs and pabst blue ribbon can send me into hysterics

Anonymous said...

Holy shit! This rant is over two years old and you said everything I've thought about these fucks the entire time. I absolutely hate hipsters with a deep seeded passion, and no that doesn't make me pathetic. They are destroying parts of this city then sit around a bong in some loft (that displaced dozens of families) and talk about how the man is hurting the people who made New York great. They're fucking assholes and when this trend is over they're going to see that 10 years of hipsters in new york didn't produce SHIT except stomach turning disgust for everyone who was forced to see them parade around NYC and other cities like they were gods... when really they were a bunch of whiny shallow fakes pretending to be tortured.

Anonymous said...

Bravo. Good writing, very true. Fuck them I hope their clothes catch on fire.

Anonymous said...

and why is it that
unless yer a
tall skinny white boy
who spends time on his hair making it look messy
wears tight pants
rides a fixed gear bike
listens to shitty "indie" music
shops at buffalo exchange
wears chuck taylors
drinks pabst blue ribbon
smokes cigarettes
carries a purse
and is a freakin douche bag

you cant find a girl?

why?!?!?!?!?!?!

Democrats Hate America said...

How about the fact that they always support the latest 'cause of the day'--without considering its cost or adverse consequences. They are quick to support the man-made global warming hoax, or the latest political loser like Obama.

Toad734 said...

Have you hear The Mars Volta?? Its the epitomy of prog-rock and you don't exactly see frat boys at their concerts, it's mostly hipsters. And I thought they yuppie moms with the SUV, 2.5 kids and yellow labs were the ones keeping starbucks in business. I think Starbucks is too corporate for most hipsters.

Anonymous said...

mr crow needs to fucking suck a dick

Anonymous said...

OK. So we hate hipsters. What can we do to get rid of them?

I'vediscoveredthey'reactuallyassholes said...

Oh god every single word just feels like oxygen into my brain!!!!!
And yes, someone was very right by saying they wouldn't even look at someone who actually earns the day in a suit, I know it. I've seen it. Not do they do it openly, but with a kind of confidence as if they were victims in need of protection from the shallow world. Taking that into consideration, no, thery're not harmless at all. It's a type of control above all ignorance.

(Also very right with the thing about the loft.) The thing about it is that all information is so easy to get nowadays that this type of people can just construct some "ideal" profile by what's already a history in all of us who actually care about what we care cause we KNOW it.

I'll repeat it: FUCK YOU, YOU INTELLECTUALLY NONEXISTENT PSUEDO-BOHEMIAN POSERS!

sigh.

jeff said...

As a fashionable gay man I think that hipsters are people who wish they could enjoy all the exclusivity we gay people have... We face REAL discrimination and these hipsters are just trying to be like us.

The Dante said...

Hipster transplant douchebags go the F@#@K home. These self righteous pricks have destroyed our city with such an insidious, virus like, takeover. Its time everyone woke up and took our city back! These morons carry themselves though our streets with a sense of entitlement. They siphon our community resources and all the while contribute not a damn thing but cliche' art and puddles of vomit mixed with PBR on Bedford ave sidewalks. Check out what i have to say on my blog. www.ihatehipsters.blogspot.com

Anonymous said...

You know I bet the first person to be a hipster was actually pretty cool. But now that we're onto generation 5 or 6 it's a bit redundant. Are you kids really that cool? You're whole narcisistic, tatoo'd, vain and completely conformist regime of tasteless style makes me seriously wonder where you get your ego from??

I know some legititmately cool people, and you know what, they don't look or act like hipsters. They don't need a bicycle with a fixed gear or a side bag, or an Iphone or a cocaine binge "I love New York" alter ego. They acually have skills and personal relationships, and some taste, and the real "cool" people are humble, kind, caring and able to complete a sentence in linear order all while doing things like holding down a job.. hmm that's amazing.

But seriously all you hipster clones who look and appear to have some mild form of depth and personality but are just empty personas of the rock and roll superstar you never will be... GO HOME! You know, you were definitely cooler when you were preppy, at least that's what you really were, it wasn't an act, you were a real asshole in school, people liked you and you were popular, but now you wanna do it all with a drug addiction and sleeved tatoo with tight black jeans while you reference all the best music that nobody has ever heard of because you knew about it first. Meanwhile you have no real connection to any of your references. The girls look pretty good in the vintage outfits, sure I've fucked a few myself, but do you really think it's going to fool me into believing that you're original, some mystical woman who is so inherantly original and up to date, and full of passion that I might be inclined to think that you're anything more than a cheerleader with a missing septum? Please.

Hipsters. GO FUCK YOURSELVES!

Anonymous said...

yeah, hipsters are real faggots. the main rule is that you have to pretend that you never saw the person you hung out with last night and you can't have real interaction with a human being. i killed one one night.. ^.^

Franciose Mordecai said...

I still fucking hate hipsters. i live in wicker park now (well actually humbolt park, becaue i'm an OG) but it's like the hipster mecca. fuck fuck fuck hipsters. they suck. and they don't know shit. except how to get almost hit by my car.

Joe M said...

Hipsters: Trust Fund Babies with Sideburns...

JustJoeP said...

This rant, brought to you by the Scottsdale Bureau of Tourism.

Succinct, and Poignant.

Robert Sifuentez said...

i just googled "i hate hipsters" and this is blog is what came up, and it made my afternoon.

Anonymous said...

"Hipsters: Trust Fund Babies with Sideburns..."


hahaaa that's great. Freaking hipsters, what annoys me the most about them is that they truly think they are intellectual and cutting-edge when in reality, the hipster is a walking stereotype. their so-called intellectual books, movies, and music, are so limited that the saying about having a little bit of knowledge being worse than having no knowledge at all comes to mind.

Hipsters are very annoying.

Anonymous said...

maybe my travels have not been extensive enough but i think i live in the Hipster Capitol of the World: Portland, OR.

I fucking hate hipsters. There stuipd fixed track bikes, those stupid fucking messanger bags, rediculous hair cuts, their use of mustaches to be cool because it is not cool.

Tight black pants with a studded metal belt.

They all work at coffee shops and breakfast restraunts here. This is about the highest level of society these people will get. These jobs require no education but do require you to be inconsiderate to nonhipsters.

The hipster main headquarters is Coffee Plant, in downtown portland, you will see an array of fixed speed bikes, messenger bags and mustaches.

fuck you hipsters.

Anonymous said...

The worst part about this rant (and the people who replied to it for that matter) is that you're judging a group of people by what they're wearing.

I was just talking with a friend about how I hate how judgmental my hipster friends can be, but I've changed my mind. I hate how judgmental everyone is.

And the bit about the music? There are so many bands that people classify as indie or underground that are fucking great. Like Do Make Say Think, or Broken Social Scene, or Tera Melos...

Anonymous said...

Look on the bright side, Male Hipsters unknowingly castrate themselves with tight jeans. This prevents wasteful usage of sperm and egg.

Anonymous said...

sounds like you hate boring assholes who wear tight pants.

Anonymous said...

They run rampant in Canada. Its horrible. I was in a store on Whyte Ave in Edmonton which is a hub for them and as I was waiting in line, this chick with a fucking beret was talking about how she was totally retro with her Walkman she just bought to which she was listening to Bob Dylan! "Like OMG I LOVE BOB DYLAN". Fuck off, my dad listens to Bob Dylan and he is not hip. They are pretentious assholes that dress like homeless people, honestly I can't tell them apart.

AnaLorena M said...

I googled "i hate hipsters" and this came up.
and i couldn't agree more!!!! (and with most of the comments)
I study design, so my school is pretty much hipsterland. it's so sad.

Anonymous said...

I hate hipsters. I also hate their music and I'm a young person (22). However, I've seen hipsters in my age group transcend from the very post 9/11 emo phase to the flat out elitest hipster phase in only a few years time. Now THATS a pathetic transition...

When I dare criticize they're very foul music tastes or their taste in clothing such as wearing overly tight pants, flannel, key chain ring around belt or classic vans I am called "a hater." And please tell me...WTF is a "Hater?" Its a made up dumbass hipster term. fuck 'em..

I'll take my hawaiian shirt, flip flops, shorts, and yacht rock and stick it to them any day of the week over their shit style and music they possess, conform to, and manipulate onto others...

Phil Mipocketz said...

Good points. But how about yuppies? I think I hate them even more.

Anonymous said...

The person who said they pitied us for having so much hate in our lives can go suck on a fucking shotgun. Seriously. Self-important little piles of shit like yourself deserve to be shot dead in front of you own fucking parents you useless hipster scum-fuck. I would gladly work your face over with a tire iron until you were un-fucking-recognizable for being such pretentious heaps of shit. I hope every hipster on the face of this earth drops dead from AIDS. That would crack me up for fucking days. And yes, having this much hate is fun when it's directed at measly little fuck faces like you. Go jack off on a pile of shitty Animal Collective albums you meaningless fucking turd. Then die. Please. It'd be hilarious.

Anonymous said...

We didn't do nothing to you and we don't got a whole article about how much we hate YOU!!! Christ!!!

Anonymous said...

Who says arse? It's just as bad as the people who say "OH MY GAWD," or "THE FOCK!" If your gonna rant do it fuckin right.

Anonymous said...

Why do you guys care so much? Leave them alone. Just because they have different tastes than you doesn't mean you should hate them.

Anonymous said...

How do you know if someone is a hipster? They keep on telling you how much they hate hipsters.

Anonymous said...

Thank god the cure for hipsters is turning 30 and getting a job.

spiKe said...

The only cure for hipsters, and those sensitive to their complete lack of cause, is death. Perhaps by an intestinal disorder caused by eating too many all natural foods.

Anonymous said...

You think hipsters are bad in larger cities like NYC and Portland? Try living in a place like Wichita, Kansas. We have wannabe hipsters here, too.

That's right, I said "wannabe", because they can't even properly be hipsters. This is Kansas. It is impossible to be a hipster in fucking Kansas. They think because they live in the one place in the entire state where cows can't graze, they can be cosmopolitan and sophisticated. No matter how cutting edge they think they are, some gay hipster asshole on either coast has been clued into it for 6 months.

Folk music sucks. PBR is piss in a can, and always was. Coffee shops are for pussies who can't handle real bars. Lastly, take a fucking shower, would you? Body odor is not cool. I shouldn't have to say that once, but I'll say it one more time: Body odor is not cool.

Anonymous said...

It's getting to the point where being a hipster is becoming mainstream, whether half the people who attempt to be one succeed at it or not. Soon they'll all have to move on to the next trend.

Anonymous said...

They run rampant in Canada. Its horrible. I was in a store on Whyte Ave in Edmonton which is a hub for them

High fives! Whyte seems to be quite a hub for them in general... That is, the trendy side of white. When I walk down Whyte they cower >:)

To the retards commenting on hipster haters...

I'm an avid hater of hipsters, guidos, and many more. I'm a metalhead (extreme metal), raver, and the perfect epitome of a bro (being infamous as the hardest partying guy that's still likeable in my chapter of the hardest partying frat). I've travelled to many places (for only being 21). I'm tastefully inked (only 1% of sleeves actually look good, you dumb bitches) and more ripped than 99% of guidos without EVER needing roids. I've got a 3.8 average in a real program, not some shitty arts thing, and still spend most of my time dicking around and having fun. I have a girlfriend who's hot, knows her place, can keep up with any of the boys at drinking, smoking, etc. and let's me do whatever I want with any girl I want. Hah I bet some dumbass hipster is going to say "I call bullshit", but I'll tell you in advance, it's real, all of it. And I don't give a flying fuck if you don't believe me because I've certainly got it all (except tallness lol) and am satisfied with it whether you believe it or not. Do I sound like a fucking hipster? Does my life sound boring and not fun? I'll bet you that 100% of hipster fags (no offense to the gay guy, you're cool, they deserve the slurs) would fucking die for a life like that... if you could get them to care enough. What's not fun is being a zombie sheep like you guys. What's being truly "hip" (you make me hate that word in general, ugh) is doing whatever the fuck you want, no matter what anyone else says, and just stopping short of fucking up your life (hint: keep a real job for longer than 3 months). That's the way to live.

Anonymous said...

I'm sorry, but why are you all so hateful? This is like the beginning of racism all over again. You do realize that by hating hipsters you are, in fact, hating yourselves, right? But, then again people with your amount of hate in your hearts probably already hate yourselves, so that's no surprise there. But please, for the love of God, wake up. It doesn't matter if you're hipster, black, white, mexican, gay or straight, realize that we are all human beings, and we should be working together, instead of hating each other. Just some insight. If you don't like what I say, I could honestly give a shit less. So, continue on living in your hateful, god-awful ways. Next time you look in the mirror, remember this, you're the reason that America is the way it is.