Tuesday, February 21, 2006

Forums, and why they suck.

There are four rules that determine the suckiness of a forum:

1: If the forum has too few members, it will be boring, and suck
2: If a forum has too many members, the majority of them will be noobs, things will fall off the front page too fast, duplicate threads about excruciating trivia will spawn like amoebas, and everything will suck.
3: If a forum has too many rules, topics will cycle through endless repeating mundanities incessently, a lot of tongues will be brown with moderator shit, and everything will suck.
4: If a forum has too few rules, it will be over-run with spam, trash, and trolls and suck.

Any forum that has transgressed rule 2 will have spawned at least one forum or irc channel where old time regulars will get together in an attempt to recreate the good old days when the forums were lively, stimulating and possessed of a genuinely friendly atmosphere (most forums do actually experience this time: it lasts for approximately 6 hours.) At least one, because these old-time regulars will often as not be divided into conflicting camps of people who fucking hate each other, sometimes for no good reason. These camps have often arisen because of some ancient drama which is one of the primary reasons why the forums are no longer lively, stimulating, or possesed of a genuinely friendly atmosphere, and try, because in reality a good 80% of what they do is bitch about how much better stuff was in the good old days. In return, they normally exacerbate problems on the forum, as they are often closed communities, and indeed occasionally act extremely retardedly about this. And if there's one thing drama whores on the internet hate, it's not being a part of something.

These groups can, if you wish, be added to the litany of bodies that comprise the NEW WORLD ORDER, alongside the Illuminati, the Freemasons, Skull and Bones and the International Boyscout Movement.

Most forums, incidentally, are type 1's because the normal stages in setting up a forum go like this:
1: Internet nerd creates forum for the discussion of some subject so utterly mind-numbing even someone as nerdy as me* wouldn't find it interesting, such as the hairstyles of Final Fantasy characters or the appreciation of neo-classical Occarina music.
2: Internet nerd forces everyone on his AIM or MSN list to join.
3: Shit all happens.

As you will have seen, therefore, all forums, except for at very limited periods of time, suck. What they suck, I'm not sure, but my experiments are tending towards the answer 'camel cock'. This means that we should probably all stop wasting our time with forums. As I regular two forums, and sporadically post on or lurk about seven, and need forum regularity as part of my complete existence, all this probably explains why I am so totally fucked up. If I regulared just one more, I'd probably start listening to Insane Clown Posse and cutting myself. That's how fucked up I am. Unfortunately, I still have intelligence and a sense of humour, but don't worry, I'm planning on a lobotomy. That will truly allow me to enjoy the internet, instead of having the same relationship with it a heroin addict has with his needle, and also to be 'down with the clown'.

Because fuck knows you need a pretty damn glacial IQ for that.

*And I am really fucking nerdy. You want to know how nerdy? I wrote this fucking post.

1 comment:

Vikkilea said...


nailed it

that was ace xD