Monday, February 27, 2006

How to enjoy modernist literature in five easy steps.

1: Purchase the complete works of Virginia Woolf and James Joyce.
2: Pile them up
3: Pour petrol over them
4: Strike a match and throw it atop the pile
5: Marshmallows!

If your fire starts going out, chuck on a few herstory professors and post-modern literary critics who use the word 'irony' too much.

Tuesday, February 21, 2006

Forums, and why they suck.

There are four rules that determine the suckiness of a forum:

1: If the forum has too few members, it will be boring, and suck
2: If a forum has too many members, the majority of them will be noobs, things will fall off the front page too fast, duplicate threads about excruciating trivia will spawn like amoebas, and everything will suck.
3: If a forum has too many rules, topics will cycle through endless repeating mundanities incessently, a lot of tongues will be brown with moderator shit, and everything will suck.
4: If a forum has too few rules, it will be over-run with spam, trash, and trolls and suck.

Any forum that has transgressed rule 2 will have spawned at least one forum or irc channel where old time regulars will get together in an attempt to recreate the good old days when the forums were lively, stimulating and possessed of a genuinely friendly atmosphere (most forums do actually experience this time: it lasts for approximately 6 hours.) At least one, because these old-time regulars will often as not be divided into conflicting camps of people who fucking hate each other, sometimes for no good reason. These camps have often arisen because of some ancient drama which is one of the primary reasons why the forums are no longer lively, stimulating, or possesed of a genuinely friendly atmosphere, and try, because in reality a good 80% of what they do is bitch about how much better stuff was in the good old days. In return, they normally exacerbate problems on the forum, as they are often closed communities, and indeed occasionally act extremely retardedly about this. And if there's one thing drama whores on the internet hate, it's not being a part of something.

These groups can, if you wish, be added to the litany of bodies that comprise the NEW WORLD ORDER, alongside the Illuminati, the Freemasons, Skull and Bones and the International Boyscout Movement.

Most forums, incidentally, are type 1's because the normal stages in setting up a forum go like this:
1: Internet nerd creates forum for the discussion of some subject so utterly mind-numbing even someone as nerdy as me* wouldn't find it interesting, such as the hairstyles of Final Fantasy characters or the appreciation of neo-classical Occarina music.
2: Internet nerd forces everyone on his AIM or MSN list to join.
3: Shit all happens.

As you will have seen, therefore, all forums, except for at very limited periods of time, suck. What they suck, I'm not sure, but my experiments are tending towards the answer 'camel cock'. This means that we should probably all stop wasting our time with forums. As I regular two forums, and sporadically post on or lurk about seven, and need forum regularity as part of my complete existence, all this probably explains why I am so totally fucked up. If I regulared just one more, I'd probably start listening to Insane Clown Posse and cutting myself. That's how fucked up I am. Unfortunately, I still have intelligence and a sense of humour, but don't worry, I'm planning on a lobotomy. That will truly allow me to enjoy the internet, instead of having the same relationship with it a heroin addict has with his needle, and also to be 'down with the clown'.

Because fuck knows you need a pretty damn glacial IQ for that.

*And I am really fucking nerdy. You want to know how nerdy? I wrote this fucking post.

Sunday, February 12, 2006

Metal Reviewers suck.

Honestly, I can't really think which I find more infuriating: the ultra-pretentious , self-absorbed wanksters from Pitchfork or, well, pretty much any metal reviewer you care to mention, bar a select few. "Egad!" I hear you cry "But, surely, your hatred for hipsters is legendary across the ether, how could the reviewers of your favourite genre inspire such hatred into you?"

Well, let me list the problem with the large majority of metal reviewers:

1: They are small-minded pieces of shit, who wouldn't know musical innovation if it came up and played jazz chords with their spine. If a band is not black enough, thrashy enough, deathy enough, downbeat enough, upbeat enough, well produced enough or badly produced enough for their impoverished personal taste it will be dismissed out of hand. They have very little
2: They are lazy and bigoted. These go together well. Reviewer doesn't like a band? "OMG THEY'RE GAY". Reviewer doesn't like the vocals? "OMG IT SOUNDS LIKE HE'S SUCKING COCK AS HE SINGS OLOLOLOL" Now, I'm not advocating political correctness in the metal world, because political correctness sucks, well, whale cock. What I am suggesting is that a) certain death and black metal reviewers take a good, hard look at their own sexuality and b) that anyone indulging in this practice tries to remember that they are a music reviewer, that is reviewers of music. The shit with the notes and the chords. If you just say a band is gay, I might think it's some sort of wicked crossover queercore or something. How about describing why it sucks? WARNING: You may ACTUALLY have to know something about music to do this.
3: They are self-absorbed. How many times have you read a review that says almost nothing about the actual release as well, but is just a long load of waffle in which the reviewer goes on some extended, bizarre metaphor about what the band sounds like (in the end telling you nothing about what they sound like), or just describes in huge detail how much he hates the band and would like to kill them (I'm not gonna name any names, because that's rude, but there's a certain review I'm thinking of here, that possible counts as the worst metal review ever. And it's not even by UltraBoris. I'll just say that it's on a site that specialises in gore metal and it involves hockey, and leave the knowledgeable to nod and smile) or something equally inane. Sometimes, you will not even be sure of the genre of the band in question at the end of the review.

There are a lot of other annoying practices metal reviewers indulge in (Excessive namedropping (the only one of these crimes I could realistically be charged with), elitism, pointless digresssion and atrocious writing are the major ones) which bug the shit out of me, but that covers most of it.

I will add this caveat: I am mainly directing this against metal reviewers online. Metal reviewers in magazines are either sell-out whores (Kerrang!, Metal Hammer et al) or mature, sensible people who know a bit about music and can actually write (Terrorizer, Zero Tolerance et al) and are thus excused.

EDIT: Except for that wierd semi-nazi who writes for ZT sometimes. He's an idiot.

Saturday, February 11, 2006

Vampires! Vampires! Vampires!

Who here likes vampires? Who fucking doesn't, that's what I'd like to know. I'm trying to formulate a theory of awesomeness, which reads at the moment something like awesome thing+vampirism = more awesome. I mean, Quentin Tarantino? Awesome. Vampire Quentin Tarantino? I'm THERE baby. Vampirisation is especially good for those things that you're really supposed not to find cool: the SS had suave uniforms and horrific crimes against humanity. Vampire SS have that and fangs. Awesome!

Sorry for all this by the way, I just watched Nosferatu: A Symphony of Horror ('The First Vampire' version with soundtrack by Type O frickin' Negative) and two episodes of the much-overlooked vampire thriller Ultraviolet, which may very well be the best live action TV series involving our blood sucking friends. It's like Spooks (even has some of the same actors), but with fold-out carbon stakes, and it has Jack Davenport. He's great in serious roles.

...

vampires!

Tuesday, February 07, 2006

The whole Cartoon fiasco.

"OOOH SVEN, I'VE GOT A REALLY GOOD IDEA"
"WHAT IS IT HANS?"
"YOU KNOW HOW, IN MUSLIM EYES, IT'S A DIRECT INSULT AGAINST GOD TO DRAW AN IMAGE OF THE PROPHET MUHAMMED?"
"YEAH, IT'S LIKE, PRETTY MAJOR BLASPHEMY HANS. SO WHAT?"
"WELL, I THINK IT'S SILLY. LETS GET SOME CARTOONISTS FRIENDS TO DRAW LOADS OF PICTURES OF HIM. NOT ONLY THAT, BUT LET'S HAVE SOME OF THEM BE REALLY OFFENSIVE TOO. AND BY OFFENSIVE, I MEAN BRANDING A RELIGION OF ROUGHLY A BILLION PEOPLE WHOSE VERY NAME MEANS PEACE AS TERRORISTS."
"IN THE CURRENT POLITICAL CLIMATE, ISN'T THAT LIKELY TO INCENSE ISLAMIC FUNDAMENTALISTS FAR BEYOND THE POINT OF JIHAD?"
"JIHAD SCHMIHAD! FUCK JOURNALISM! LET'S POINTLESSLY INSULT ONE OF THE WORLDS MAJOR RELIGIONS AS AN EXERCISE IN FREE SPEECH! I MEAN, THEY'RE ONLY MUSLIMS. IT'S NOT LIKE WE'RE GAY BASHING OR ANYTHING SERIOUS"
"I SUPPOSE NOT! FUEL ON THE FIRES OF HATRED IT IS!"

It's not like I'm condoning any of the subsequent actions, but printing the cartoons, particularly those cartoons, just to make a point, was fucking retarded. All the people out there on forums and in the blogosphere who cannot understand why muslims are offended, or who are saying the equivalent of "They shouldn't attack the west in general, it was only a bunch of Danish cartoonists, they're all darn dirty woman-beating terrorist dogs" (thus fulfilling the circle of stereotyping and stupidity) are also fucking retarded. Indeed, that is pretty much the summation for this whole affair, and the entirety of world politics: fucking retarded.

This blog...

Is no longer a solely mp3 blog. It is now mainly a ranting and raving and bitching and hating blog.

Wednesday, February 01, 2006

Things Which Should Be:

1: A 28 minute long proggressive death metal track featuring no less than 12 guitar solos, 3 keyboard solos, extended cross-genre passages and at least 5 vocalists, with the lyrics being the entirety of 'The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock' by T.S. Elliot.

I fucking dare you to even imagine something more pretentious.

2: A decent fucking metal DAB radio station

Ie, not Kerrap! radio.

3: A full album of fucking heavy metal covers of classical and soundtrac pieces.

And I don't mean Trans-Siberian Orchestra style. If possible, this would have no keyboards at all, just full on awesome triple guitar assault, dripping with distortion, in place of an orchestra. Tracks covered would include 'Night on a Bare Mountain' by Mussorgksy, 'Ride of the Valkyries' by Wagner, 'Danse Macabre' by Saint Saens, 'Toccata and Fugue in D Minor' by Bach, 'Hall of the Mountain King' by Grieg and 'Imperial March' by John Williams.

4: Ulver vs Merzbow

*orgasm*

5: World peace

Distant contender this one. Someone do the fucking covers album now!

Things Which Should Not Be:

1: Roadrunner United Tours

Ville Valo singing Black #1 is as insulting and painful as someone peeling off all my skin and dropping me in a vat of urine.

2: The third minute of Black Sabbath - Electric Funeral

Way to ruin a song guys. Who the hell is that in the background going 'ELECTRIC FUNERAL! ELECTRIC FUNERAL!' in a voice that I refuse to believe anyone has ever found anything but comic?

3: My Chemical Romance

OR, the story of how an average rock band turned into hideous parodies of themselves dressed as Good Charlotte impersonators by only their second album (I mean, come on guys. Even Underoath lasted longer than that)

4: My Chemical Romance fans

I saw them live when you didn't even know they existed and touched Gerard Way. And I didn't enjoy it a fortieth as much as you would. Unfortunately, you can't get in to see them because you're 12. Go play with your fucking barbies.

5: 'Hardcore' dancing

Oh PLEASE. Worst I saw for this was a Dillinger Escape Plan (awful, awful band btw) concert with wall to wall bandana wearing spacktards windmilling, but I've heard tales of Bleeding Through concerts to chill the bone. Well, okay, I suppose if your music is a jerky spastic bunch of pretentious crap there's no point doing anything even resembling normal dancing or moshing to it, but why do something so fucking stupid. Not even skanking makes you look as dumb as this. I use the inverted commas because none of the music people do this to is in any way hardcore. Hardcore = Black Flag and Bad Brains. Your music = retarded pussycore. Or something.

6: Every 'goth' under the age of 16

Okay, I was one of these once, but seriously, I should have been stoned to death with my own Cradle of Filth CD's, and I wasn't THAT bad. I mean, I at least listened to Bauhaus, and didn't own any Nightmare Before Christmas related clothing. I suppose I can tolerate these types, but only if they don't call themselves goth, punk or metal without really, really, really good reason. Like actually having claim to such a title. And I mean really good reason. Like, no-one under 16 can call themselves a punk in my book unless they stood in on guitar for the UK Subs the night they got out after spending a year in prison for urinating on a riot cop during an anti-globalisation protest.

7: Shit, I dunno. Lars Ulrik or something.

What a tosser.

See, that was still somewhat music themed!

...

...aw crap