Thursday, January 05, 2006

The art of losing a pre-nascent readership: 5 artists I hate.

1: Radiohead

Aaagh, are my fellow human beings really boring enough to consider OK Computer the greatest album of all time? Has the intelligent music listener really sunk to such levels of bland apathy that Radioheads unoriginal and conservative attempts at experimentation, their pedestrian song-writing, their meaningless lyrics and Thom Yorkes singularly awful vocals can actually inspire them? Fuck me. Radiohead wouldn't be so bad on their own (there are plenty of boring, over-rated bands) but I can never forgive them for, essentially, singlehandedly* ruining the British rock mainstream for about the last ten years, as their clones spawn subsequent clones in an endless vomiting torrent of emotionally and spiritually vacuous art college rock.

2: The Books

The worst thing about The Books is I can't work out why I hate them. It could be all the hipsters ejaculating over them and hailing their originality (Three words gentlemen: Nurse With Wound), It could be the annoying and witless way in which they use their samples, or it could just be the fact that they represent yet another once interesting musical phenomenon defiled by the indie scene in their never-ending quest for music that is at the same time both 'hip' and different, whilst still being bland enough for their beigey tastes.

3: Bright Eyes

Someone with some decent pursuasive skills should basically convince Conor Oberst that the only way to gain himself and his whineing bilge lasting fame is an Elliot Smith-style self stabbing. Then, once he's done it, we can wrap him in sacking, bury him in a shallow grave, pour quicklime on his corpse and never speak of him again.

4: Nizlopi

It is no stretch for me to say that, beyond the Crazy Frog, The JCB Song is almost certainly the worst thing of 2005. It's insipid, it's talentless, it's been elevated to the public consciousness by something other than it's own merits (Radio 1 played them every fucking show at one point during their anti-bullying campaign), it's got a horrible 'twee' cartoon video (more about why indie pop needs to be thrown off a cliff some other time I'm bitter, ie tomorrow) and it's just really, really bad. Also, I don't know, but has anyone ever suggested to Luke that if he stopped telling everyone stupid lies about his dad, he might not get the shit kicked out of him.

5: James Blunt

Yeah, I know this one's really obvious, but please, can this guy just stop? Tell you what, I'll take out a hit on him right now. Bring me his head**, and I'll administer you oral sex and give you all the money in my piggy bank. Sweet deal, huh? Seriously, I have almost 20p.

*Okay, Oasis helped.

** Preferably after severing it with a bread-knife.

No comments: