Tuesday, December 19, 2006

Worlds funniest Christian website?

I knew that there was something missing from the rabid Christian websites I love trawling through, and now I know what it was: Catholicism.

Welcome to Tradition in Action, easily one of the most insane websites I have ever seen. This is basically the Catholic take on the Satanic conspiracy...complete with articles about how the inquisition wasn't such a bad thing, how Galileos trial was just and loving peaens to life in the 13th Century! Now, I admire some historical cultures greatly (The Greeks and Celts) but I don't want to actually resurrect them on earth. These people do. They want to turn back every single atom of progress man has ever made and put the festering, corrupt, proto-fascist institution of the medieval catholic church back in to its former position of power. According to these people, the fact that 'Christendom' can be no longer said to exist is the most tragic thing in history. We all know it is one of the human races greatest victories to finally be overcoming the monstrous evil that the Roman empire worked on the world in its multiple guises: an empire that in all forms despised progress and freedom and lived on cruelty and death. This is what they want returned.

It's all deeply sad and scary of course, but it is also, as these things often are, unintentionally hilarious. For example, did you know grunge was communist?

Fourth, the principal message these seditious “social engineers” send is this: There should be no more dignity, elegance, or glamour of dress. Everyone, regardless of position or place, should wear the same denim skirt or jeans, the same cotton t-shirt and tennis shoes. Communist doctrine considers all inequalities – including those of dress – unjust and harmful. It is difficult to deny that the IOC collection contributes to this Communist goal to level everything. This seems to be the aim of their purported "social engineering."

Or the dangers that come from wearing black?

For one who still believes that colors have meanings, one could interpret this trend toward the color black to represent the anxieties, insecurities, depressions, and imbalances of every kind that plague modern society. This obsession with black clothing, especially among the youth, is a concrete sign of our dark, troubled and mournful days, times when the young become old too quickly and grieve too soon for lost childhood and vanished innocence. That is the best and perhaps more poetic interpretation. At worst, it is surely a kind of symbol of the dismal triumph of Satanism and the occult.

That's just two little things plucked from the 'Manners, Customs, Clothing' section of their Cultural page. There's a lot more where that came from. Want to learn how the 'glorious insitutution' of knighthood has been debased by none other than QE II herself by giving Macca and Mick Jagger knighthoods, thus clearly destroying thousands of years of pious tradition throughout which, of course, no one 'morally objectionable' was ever given a knighthood? Or how you can deduce the lack of respect endemic in todays children from, wait for it, a single photograph. And yes, the batshit crazy (man, woman, I dunno! And I really want to use the opposite to piss the fool off if they ever find this as well) who wrote that article does indeed appear to have a PhD. Talk about debasing your noble institutions! Oh my, and the reviews! How about The Matrix Trilogy:

A detail worthy of attention: Zion is placed in the center of the earth, the site of Hell, according to traditional thinking of the Church. Access to the city Zion runs through a network of large, badly dug tunnels that begin in the sewers of the great cities. I have read in different sources that in some mountains of Tibet, in several caves of Brazil, and at places in the North Pole, there are secret tunnels for communication straight with Hell. It is said they are used by Tibetan monks, UFO insiders, or other initiated persons to have direct access to the Devil. The tunnels leading to Zion in The Matrix series led me to question whether they had an analogous goal.

Or any of the book reviews (I find this one quite amusing. I love the fact that s/he him/herself does not realise that what s/he is doing is some of the most achingly blatant ' scholarship in the service of a social and political agenda' that I have ever seen. If indeed you can call it scholarship).

But anyway, feel free to peruse the site yourself if you want, but always remember: Roman and subsequently Catholic civilisation destroyed western europe, killed millions and locked the whole area in cultural, philosophical and technological stagnation for two thousand years. However much the sheep bleat about 'the culture of death', they are themselves death, and we, whoever we are, are life.

Viva le Revolucion!

Monday, December 18, 2006

The most anti-christian computer game ever.

You know, I was thinking just now, why the hell hasn't Sims 2 had the everliving SHIT ripped out of it by christians? I know Jack Thompsons had a crack at it, but that was because of the nudity blur removal patch and some paedophilia crap (the models have less detail than barbie dolls for fucks sake. Does he want to ban dolls...oh wait, I suppose he probably does). No one actually seems to have come out and realised how monstrous this game can actually be in the eyes of christians.

I suppose part of it is imagination. Fundamentalist christians can't imagine a stable gay couple, so they fail to realise that, yes, you can create same sex couples in the sims. Oh, and you can give them children. And, in Nightlife, you can make them become vampires. This is not to mention that you can make 'em fuck, wear revealing clothes, listen to heavy metal music, dance, drink, swear and goodness knows what. Let me re-iterate. Drunken lesbian vampires bumping uglies to Slayer whilst their kids sleep next door.

Oh, and sims never go to church either.

Maxis 1
God 0

Wednesday, December 06, 2006

Life without a computer, Jesus Camp.

So, it looks like the network server at the Arts Institute is infested with more malware than a Russian porn site. My computer here has been pwned by some hideous variant of the Sasser worm which has left me unable to log on at all. Fortunately, it's only a little shit-box previously owned by my sister (which is why it lacks adequate virus protection I guess). Unfortunately, it looks like the only solution will either be system recovery or a complete repair install, followed by a thorough thrashing with AVG. The problem is, of course, that I don't have a windows disk or AVG with me, and the IT department won't lend me either, the bastards. (I feel a little bad typing this on one of their computers, but hey). Looks like I'll either have to lug the whole box home at the weekend (joy...) or just burn me all the disks I'll require when I get home and pray to the gods that I can do everything that's necessary here. Thankfully, there's nothing particularly important on there (except some stuff I was going to review for Evening of Light, which I guess I'll have to get off Qwallath again) and I have all my college-related stuff backed up, so it won't be a biggy if I have to wipe the whole thing.


Anyway, enough of my personal woes, and on to those of others. I just (yesterday) managed to watch the whole of the documentary 'Jesus Camp' for free at dailymotion.com (just put it in a search, it's in five bits). Holy. Shit. I have, in my life, seen, heard and read a lot of horrible, depraved things. A lot of it has been quite entertaining. I have successfully enjoyed The Guinea Pig films, the writings of the Marquis De Sade, stuff like that. This wasn't like that.

Jesus Camp is right up there with the nazis, as far as I'm concerned. This is hardcore fucking evil of a very high order, vis a vis the industrial-scale brainwashing of children by religious fascists. Reading and watching this kind of high-grade religious evil always makes me feel very scared indeed, because of the simple fact that always strikes me when I read Chick Comics (Readers of this blog will probably already know of my somewhat ironic adoration of the ultimate illustrated bigot), namely the fact that these people quite obviously view themselves as fighting a war when, in fact, there is no opposing army. This is, I think, the thing that makes them so utterly dangerous. They are sure they are fighting some sort of unified, organised opposition, whether it is the 'liberal media' or some satanic conspiracy, but in fact there is no such thing. I wish there was, but there isn't. There are, of course, many decent people and organsisations (and quite a few not so decent ones) dedicated to opposing these bastards, but the fact of the matter is that there is no unity, no agenda, nothing like these people have achieved: a unified socio-political front bent on destroying all human freedom forever and churning out generation after generation of dead-eyed, bible-thumping, queer bashing fanatics willing to die for the will of God (as 'interpreted' by their Pastors of course!). Something needs to be done to oppose this shit, and I don't mean radical Islam here. Whilst I firmly believe that religious tolerance is a good thing (after all, I believe in a completely free society: despite what these nutcases think there are very few people who want to ban God whilst completely deregulating pornography, though I admit that could be fun), there are limits. I personally believe that a true believer in freedom simply cannot tolerate the existence of such profoundly un-free, un-tolerant, disgusting and evil things as this. If there's a culture war, then we have to make sure that the only people that are fighting aren't these nutcases and a few 'total' atheists like Richard Dawkins, who are casting all those with religious beliefs as being with these people. It's not just such 'anti-christians' I call to this fight, but any christian with a shred of human decency as well. If your religion wants to use free will to justify the existence of evil, then lets have some of it. We need to do the impossible: create a society where people are allowed to believe these hateful, retrograde ideologies, but where no one actually does. Oh, and of course, it goes without saying that, if we live in a world where laws are still necessary, then what they do to these children should definitely be illegal.

Saturday, November 25, 2006

The ten best tracks that you will never hear in a club

(aka: why no one ever lets me DJ twice)

Aborym - Chernobyl Generation
Alien Vampires - I'm Dead Fuck You
Angelspit - Nurse Grenade
Blood Axis - Eternal Soul
Cinema Strange - Greensward Grey
Coil - Teenage Lightning II
Death in June - Christine the Lizard
The Mercy Cage - Prozac, God and the Atomic Bomb
Mother Destruction - Ride, Rune, Ride
Sopor Aeternus & The Ensemble of Shadows - The Conqueror Worm


If you know anywhere in the South of England that plays such things, then please for fucks sake inform me. Be aware, of course, that I have never found anywhere here whose idea of 'alternative dance music' extends beyond Apoptygma Berzerk and KMFDM (and those are the edgy tracks between the Rammstein dance remixes and Nine Inch Nails). I wouldn't be surprised if I was the only living human being in Bournemouth (Lets not even talk about the Isle of Wight) who's even heard of :wumspcut:, Neuroticfish, Scapa Flow, Laibach, Oomph!, The Invincible Spirit or VNV Nation, let alone formulated a desire to dance like a robotic maniac to their music.

I mean, seriously, I live in a cultural fucking void. 95% of the club nights here carry either the word 'breaks', 'cheesy' or 'funky' somehwere in their description, and the others are very, very dire alternative nights (When a night advertises itself as Metal, Punk, Indie and Alternative and you can't get the DJ to play The Sex Pistols or The Misfits because 'not enough people will know them' then you know you're in trouble).

I've given up on ever finding a decent metal night.

Friday, November 24, 2006

The Appliance of Science

Ultra-intense laser blast creates true 'black metal'

Gods, I love technology. I hope someone remembered to forward this shit to Fenriz. The next Darkthrone album will consist entirely of the sound of crucifixes being shot with femtosecond laser pulses.

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

On Thelema and Anarchy: My personal philosophy

I have decided to delete this post. It is an artefect of a time in my life when I was rather confused and bears little or no relevance to my current beliefs. To leave this material online would be to spread disinformation against myself.

Thursday, November 09, 2006

An Open Letter to Jon Ronson

I have decided to delete this post. It is an artefect of a time in my life when I was rather confused and bears little or no relevance to my current beliefs. To leave this material online would be to spread disinformation against myself.

Tuesday, October 31, 2006

So anyway...

I've started writing for a music website!

Evening of Light

Boost the page-rank! Promote! Promote!

Saturday, October 21, 2006

On Conspiracy Theories

It has come to my attention that a lot of otherwise quite intelligent people believe in conspiracy theories that are, for want of a better term, complete fucking pseudo-scientific bullshit of the highest order. But, as I said, a lot of them are intelligent, motivated, thoughtful people (we'll ignore the Jack Chicks and Alex Jones's of the world, I'm talking about the grass roots.) I have come to wonder why they believe such proposterous crap, and have come up with a few underlying reasons:

1) Epistemology and critical thinking aren't taught in schools outside a few specialist subjects. Teaching kids about things like Occams razor, the scientific method, falsifibility, deduction/induction, how to analyse a source and a few other basic little things like that would clean up a whole heap of this shit: you would no longer get people getting instantly sucked in by something like 'Loose Change' or 'JFK', nor would have idiots believing in their own straw-man arguments. It might also make young people into more aware beings capable of questioning the official line, which is maybe why it isn't done: there's always the possibility that if we teach kids too much they'll realise most of what they're taught in school is in fact a carefully fabricated lie geared to what the textbook writers believe them capable of comprehending (just analyse a physics text-book for 13 year olds next to one for 17 year olds, or check up a GCSE textbook on the Russian revolution next to some books by Pipes, Figes and Service and you'll see what I mean) and then come to realise that pretty much everything we're ever told by people in authority is meaningless horse-shit, which leads us to...
2) Fanatical but misplaced hatred of those in authority and what they stand for. People want to believe conspiracy theories because people who don't are, like STOOGES OF THE MAN! Especially when there's another underlying ideology driving the conspiracy theory (Nazis and their holocaust denial, the Christian right and their various 'antichrist' conspiracies) people seem to be more than willing to dump objective reasoning for a fanatical bias against the government, especially the US government. An increasing number of people go in to things like the JFK assasination and 9/11 not asking 'have we been screwed over' but more 'how have we been screwed over'. Even when you stack up masses of detailed sources written by top experts in their field, dissect the logic of their argument to a degree that would make Kant nod in approval and rebut every single point they make, there is not a snowflakes chance in hell that they will change their position. A conspiracy theorist would much rather believe one cold fusion theorist (HE'S A SCIENTIST LOL) than 100 structural engineers and demolitions experts concerning the collapse of the WTC towers. This also helps other aspects of the theories as well: people seem to have no problem believing that the US government would calmly nerve gas three flight-loads of people in a bunker somewhere in Wyoming and then murder another two-thousand of their own citizens and then none of them involved ever say a word. Hows that for hearts and minds?

So, basically, it's poor education, but also, a misdirected hatred of authority itself. What conspiracy theorists do is turn their anger at the state of the world into highly specific vendettas: rather than rightly attribute what happened on and after 9/11 to the complex effects of nationalism, greed, religious fundamentalism and beaureucratic incompetence, they would rather just say 'BUSH DID IT LOL'. I mean, fair enough, the guy is easy to hate, but the reasons he is easy to hate are the reasons why he could never have sanctioned 9/11. The truth is, all conspiracy theories are abstractions of the fundamental fact of modern civilisation: that it is a system carefully orchestrated to give a small and relatively static group of people immense privilege and prosperity whilst doing a big shit on everyone else. What people don't want to grasp is that it is not necessarily evil people in power who cause all this shit to happen, but the entire system itself. Subconsciously, people realise that, basically, they are completely powerless: that despite all the artifices of free speech, free association and what have you, the government has a perfect right to fine them, imprison them and in some circumstances maybe even kill them based on a complex set of laws that they don't actually, in most cases, understand, and which, in most cases, make hardly any sense. They can spy on you with cameras and microphones, stop you in the street and search your pockets, stop your car and search your car, maybe tap your phone, and goodness knows what else. However, because people have been bought up in this society, and because their morality is, essentially, what society tells them it should be, they cannot accept that the whole thing is ridiculous and evil, because that would make themselves and their willing participation in the whole sorry affair similiarly ridiculous and evil. So instead, they externalise their awful knowledge (THE GOVERNMENT CAN KILL US ON A WHIM) in to single, powerful incidents, all the time, supposing of course that it is individuals who aren't abiding by the systems laws that are causing all the trouble. Similiarly with corporations: people are far readier to tell fantastical urban legends about New Coke being a scam than admit the fact that mass advertising, half of which we're not even aware of, is essentially destroying our free will (If you drink Coke you obey the Coca Cola company, if you drink Pepsi you obey Pepsi Co. Neither choice is your own.), brainwashing our children and co-ercing us with the help of a herd-mentality society into buying useless shit we don't need or want: clothes that will fall apart in a year, soft-drinks that slowly poison us, expensive kitchen gadgets capable of only one function that can easily be performed by a frying pan, and so on. It's the cognitive dissonance that is astonishing. People recognise that, as the immortal Bill Hicks so eruditely said 'all governments are lying cocksuckers', but they still vote. People recognise that corporations are money-grabbing arseholes but they still buy their tat. People see plainly hundreds of examples of how when abstract concept such as God, Race, Nation etc. are held to be more valuable than human life then Auschwitz, the Gulags, the Spanish Inquisition, The Rwandan Genocide, The Killing Fields, the Red Terror and all their ilk are not far behind, but still they applaud their soldiers who make the ultimate sacrifice for their country. It's those lovely ridiculous arguments of scale again: because Stalin, an atheist, killed more people than the Spanish Inquisition, it's obvious that atheism is more evil than religion (I've actually seen someone use this argument.) People just don't want to admit that Stalinism and Catholicism are both fundamentally fucked up.

The problem is, these conspiracy theories (and other methods of 'defusing' peoples innate rebellion against the monstrous strictures of society) take attention away from the real problem. Conspiracy theorists pour all their time and energy into analysing the Zapruder tapes or the 9/11 commission report, and never consider any wider social issues. The truth is, that by wasting your energy arguing about the angles of shadows in the moon landing photos, rather than developing a social consciousness and engaging in more serious thought, argument and activism, you are pandering to the man far more than if you took Occams razor and rightly dismissed 99% of conspiracy theories as bullshit. The other problem is, of course, that 1%. When you have people babbling on quite happily about the Illuminati, Lizardmen, the Merovingian bloodline, ZOG, the Knights Templar, the New World Order and goodness knows what else, it can be quite easy for most people to parcel up every single thing that runs against the 'party line' and dismiss it all as bollocks. There's plenty of evidence that governments have done some real fucked up things and then lied through their teeth about it (MK ULTRA, Portland Down, blah blah blah) but without critical thinking, we risk throwing the baby out with the bathwater as far as conspiracies go. Because there is of course that grain of truth: the government and the corporations really are watching you, and they really are out to rob you, and they really are out to enslave you. However, it's not going to be with a 666 barcode on your head: it's called surveillance, income tax and debt, and they've already done it.

Monday, October 16, 2006

The most enjoyable 40 seconds of music ever.

Coil - Disco Hospital

0:59 - 1:39

Seriously.

Sunday, October 15, 2006

Big Brothers Castle of Otranto

Here, fair and gentle reader, is written my full scheme for a magic lantern show to dazzle the minds of men and demons:


13 world weary souls are plucked from their foul demesnes and relocated to a brooding castle in the Carpathian mountains, where they are held entrapped and must face many cryptic and onerous tasks, such as destroying a foul vampyre who stalks amongst them in the whispering moonlight, locating the cursed oriental gem that was stolen from a temple of Kali by the castles previous owner three generations hence and has since driven his descendants to madness, decadence and suicide, and giving a complete back to back recitation of 'The Vampyre' and 'The Rime of the Ancient Mariner' whilst suffering from a frightful malaise with this cold, inhospitable world, not to mention the effects of consumption, all the while vying with the hellish forces that hold the very living bones of the dank fortress in their sway. They are watched over by the shadowed and hideous all-seeing eye of Big Brother, a loathsome overlord who then relays their performance to the great, baying masses of the unwashed, whose jeers and taunts decide which of them may stay within the rough-hewn stone walls of that most dread citadel, and which will be cast out into the echoing chasms and eldritch pines surrounding the lonesome peak on which it stands, to be devoured by dire wolves and unholy, undead creatures in the corrupt pay of a mysterious organisation calling itself only 'The Daily Mirror' (Ah! What coded artifice!) The last wretched fool left within the haunted passageways of that crenellated pinnacle of Hades will be walled up in the attic with only their madness (and many large, malnourished plague rats) for company.

Presented by Christopher Lee
Narration by Vincent Price RIP
Special effects by Dr. H. West, Dr. S. Pretorious and Dr. V. Frankenstein

The well known gothic revivalist and auteur of dark lyricism Count Khar De'BevNor will host a show of discussion on the whole tragic affair with the members of the Hellfire Club called, 'Big Brothers Foul Orifice', which he will present from oak-panelled chambers, lined with many leather bound volumes of ancient and forbidden lore, from a chair upholstered in fine velvet and constructed from the bones of that ingrate imposter, Russel Brand, whilst 'Big Brothers Minute Homunculus', under the direction of personages as yet unrevealed, will spread the ghastly tentacles of unending horror into all corners of this green and (for the while) pleasant land...

Thursday, October 12, 2006

My my

It seems to have dated my last post with the date I first started writing it on. I have been a lazy boy. Right now, I'm also a depressed and hungry boy, so I bid you adieu. I will write a real post at the weekend, there are plenty of things that piss me off right now to tackle.

Thursday, September 14, 2006

Guide to my favourite bands Vol. 1: Skyclad

It is probably safe to say that Skyclad, or the ideas that would become Skyclad, were formed when Martin Walkyier stormed out of British thrash legends Sabbat after a disagreement about the increasingly religiously pagan nature of his lyrics (though it's hard to see what caused the disagreement after songs like Horned is the Hunter and Mythistory). Doubtless seething, Martin got together with Steve Ramsey, the former guitarist of Pariah, and no poor replacement for Sabbats Andy Sneap, and the two concieved of a truly pagan metal band: this was in 1989, it must be noted, before Bathory had forged Viking Metal with the immortal 'Hammerheart', and their idea was something fresh and entirely unique: it is with a straight face that Skyclad have since called themselves the original folk metal band, and with the general popularity of pagan metal in general and folk metal in particular on the rise, mainly due to the booming popularity of Finnish acts like Ensiferum, Finntroll and Korpiklaani, it is increasingly criminal that Skyclad are so little known.

And nowhere more so than in the country that gave them birth, Britain. This is, in a way, exceedingly ironic: Skyclad have never played a major British festival, and scarcely even tour here, having enjoyed the height of their popularity in Germany and Greece during the mid-nineties, this being despite the fact that Skyclad are almost insanely British. Not only is the subject matter of most of their songs often very specifically related to this country, but their lyrics are also littered with gypsy slang, archaic expressions and numerous examples of multi-layred wordplay that must, at the very least, bemuse most foreigners.

The lyrics are, maybe, what people will first jump to in Skyclad, especially of the 'classic' period (1990 - 2001) during which Martin Walkyier fronted the band (though it must be said that the bands new lyrics seem to represent a very conscious effort to emulate his style and subject matter). This is because they are both very good, and also more transparently socially conscious than the great majority of metal lyrics, rooted in punk and new wave (the band covered both New Model Army and Dexys Midnight Runners) as well as the political thrash of the eighties. It is certainly hard to imagine many other British metal bands penning songs about factory closures, runaways, fox hunting, Portland Down or any of the other topics Skyclad attacked. Neither is it easy to imagine many other metal lyricists writing songs about their grandmothers: Martins lyrics were intensely personal, which made it so much more of an insult when the other members of the band didn't give him a writing credit on 'No Daylights...Nor Heeltaps'. Having listened to, admittedly, probably quite unhealthy amounts of Skyclad I personally feel almost as if I've gotten to know Martin Walkyier: his hopes, fears, obsessions, views and so forth. It helps that he shares many of these with me.

But it is not of course just the subject matter that dignifies Martins lyrics with Skyclad: it is the verbosity, the love of the English language, and the strange, but highly original concepts of songs like 'The Sinful Ensemble', where the human condition is summarised by painting a surreal image of a pub full of dead dictators telling racist jokes and selling stolen goods, with Thatcher serving at the bar and the lions and the christians playing on the telly, after which Martin proclaims:

"This is far more than just a joke,
Can't you see the fire for the smoke?
Go to any public house you please
And find dictators such as these"

Or how about 'The Womb of the Worm', with its powerful images of hard drug addiction, deified as a new-age Beelzebub:


"Shepherd of a flock of black sheep - he knows his charges well
Their thirst for life is drowning down in his snow filled hell...


....

Slaves to the only God they know,
Drawn by the song of the cosmic diva
The lord of the flies is a dandy beau
King of the hill in the new bohemia
Where does he come from, their redeemer?
Where does he dwell? They never learn
What is the prize for the true believer?
Rotting away in the womb of the worm!"

We can also see Martins grasp of the form of lyrical poetry, employing flow, alliteration and internal rhyme in ways too often ignored by other lyricists. And flow really is a good word: at times he can put any rapper alive to shame, spitting out certain verses of songs like 'Skyclad' and 'Spinning Jenny' at about 250 wpm whilst clearly enunciating every syllable. Also evident is a huge streak of humour, often pitch black, leading to glorious songs such as 'Great Blow for a Day Job', in which an accountant sells out to satan himself to sing in a fiddle band:

"Hear my tale - I'm norman normal, always humble, mild and meek.
In my bank a lowly banker - run-down brach on nowhere street
'till one day a stranger called - a fetid bible black he laughed,
said "Sonny I don't want your money, I don't need an overdraft.

Boy you have a great potential, don't you let it go to waste.
My offer ends - so it's essential that you hurry on (make haste!).
For a life of milk and honey sign along the dotted line...
Thirty years of girls and money - at the end your soul is mine!"

No one can dissuade me - I'm donw on my knees,
my conscience says "No" - my libido "Yes please!"
If I put my pen to paper for eternity I'm damned.
If I don't I'll never be the singer in a fiddel band.
Can anyone blame me? - I don't think they'd dare,
my soul says "No way" - But my mouth cries "Oh yeah!"

Here I am - your good friend norman, not so humble anymore.
Others age - but I look younger, stronger that I did before.
I used to drive a Fiat Panda - now a lime green Cadillac.
Guess my story goes to show not all the 'devils' own' dig black.

I know there is a price I must pay for my thirty years misspent,
when my satanic manager recoups my soul (100%).
I'll meet him at the crossroads, midnight chimes - my time has come
to party with the 'porno-queens' down by the shores of acheron.

I'll party on in acheron!

No one could dissuade me - I fell to my kness,
my conscience said "No" - my libido "Yes please!"
I have put my pen to paper and eternally am damned,
I've squandered my immortal soul by singing in a fiddle band.
Could anyone blame me? - I don't think they dare,
my soul said "No way" - but my mouth cried "Oh yeah!"

'Evil I did dwell - Lewd did I live' -
It's a small price to pay for the gift that he gives.
Was it all worth it? - I'm too drunk to tell,
I swap my cocaine for the brimstone of hell."


I might as well point out right now that I have already claimed 'I'll party on in Acheron' as my tombstone inscription.

There's a lot more I could say about Skyclads Martin-era lyrics, as the vast majority of the songs are completely brilliant, but I will not. For it is not just Martins lyrics, nor his manic singing, that recommend Skyclad. Not at all. Skyclad also possessed intense musical innovation, coming from almost pure thrash with dashes of folk on 'Wayward Sons of Mother Earth' to folksy prog metal by 'Oui Avant-Garde a Chance'. There were acoustic EPs, experiments with trumpets and bagpipes, spoken word, drum machines, field recordings, duelling guitar and violin solos, and all other manner of awesomeness. Skyclad songs run the whole range from a mournful piano ballad about a child vampire who preys on paedophiles ('Catherine at the Wheel') to a blistering thrash/punk/folk assault on EU beuracracy ('Desperanto') to an epic, militaristic fantasy metal song personifying the conflict between nature and industry as an epic, lotr style pitched battle ('The Disenchanted Forest').

Basically, what I'm saying here is this: Skyclad is really really really fucking good and you need to buy everything they ever released. Right now.

Sorry I had nothing better to write about.

Wednesday, September 06, 2006

The Remake of the Wicker Man

Neil LaBute: Hey, I've got this idea for a film you should look at.
Producer: Fire away.
Neil LaBute: It's a remake of the classic British horror film, 'The Wicker Man'
Producer: Hey, is that the one with Britt Ekland's ti...
Neil LaBute: They won't be in my film.
Producer: Ok
Neil LaBute: In fact, there will be no tits in my film. Heck, there won't be anything sexy at all.
Prodcuer: So what will you replace the sexual tension that drives the film with then?
Neil LaBute: Thought I'd up the stakes by making Rowan actually the Howie characters daughter!
Producer: Brilliant!
Neil LaBute: Also, all that pagan and christian imagery? The idea of a clash of strong opposed belief systems that really make you think about the nature of religion?
Producer: Yeah...
Neil LaBute: I replaced that with bees.
Producer: Oh marvellous!
Neil LaBute: KILLER BEES
Producer: Fuckin' A!
Neil Labute: Besides, I had to get rid of all of that because I've completely rewritten all the pagan characters to be shallow and one dimensional. I thought I'd also make them into a female led hippy commune where men aren't allowed to even speak, for pretty much no reason at all. Since it's impossible to believe they're actually real people, let alone feel any sympathy for their way of life or be charmed by their charisma (because, you see, I've given them no charisma at all) you can hardly have any real conflict, and to that end, the Howie character, who I think I'll call something dumb like 'Malus', isn't gonna be a strong christian at all. In fact he'll only mention God when he swears. To be honest, we were also worried that Nicholas Cages performance will be so absolutely obnoxious that it'll offend Christian groups more than The Last Temptation of Christ and The Life of Brian combined. So, we're just gonna make him this complete asshole with about one dimension...but guess what? HE'S ALLERGIC TO THE BEES!
Producer: Woah! You have Nicholas CAGE lined up for this?
Neil LaBute: Yeah, he loves it.
Producer: And he's ALLERGIC TO THE BEES?
Neil LaBute: Fuck yeah! I mean, the Wicker Man's plot is pretty finely crafted and all, but come on, an annoying shit getting chased around by cookie-cutter hippy chicks and bees for an hour then getting set alight? It's film gold man!
Producer: You gonna put any homages to the original in?
Neil LaBute: Yeah, I thought I'd re-shoot a few of the scenes from the original pretty much shot-for-shot, to really emphasise how shit the acting and cinematography is, you know? But I'd obviously have to make stupid changes to them that completely ruin them so that they'll fit in with the rest of the garbage I've written here on the back of this napkin. I also thought I'd try and cram in a few classic lines, mutilated, badly delivered and out of context, of course.
Producer: Of course. What are you going to do for the soundtrack? You gonna keep the musical element?
Neil LaBute: Well, I know the musical element was an integral part of the original film, and the soundtrack had huge critical acclaim and pretty much kicked off a British folk revival all on its own, but I always thought it was kinda lame. Besides, this is the 00's man. Who wants that hippy shit? They're only in my film so Nicholas Cage has some people to punch to prove the innate superiority of right-thinking, macho men. I'll just chuck in some completely generic bullshit some soundtrack writer whose never seen the original or even my film wrote in an afternoon.
Producer: Sound choice. Well, I gotta say, you've really sold me on this one Neil. I'll definitely see if I can get this greenlighted. Say, got any other projects on the go?
Neil LaBute: Well, I did do this idea for a remake of Witchfinder General, set in modern day mexico!
Producer: I'm all ears...

Monday, September 04, 2006

Jesus

Art college looks like the funnest thing ever so far, but I need accomodation. Seriously. I am currently spending 12-14 HOURS A DAY commuting and working.

Sunday, September 03, 2006

Well shit...

Looks like this thing's NOT moving. Firefox just bizarrely remembered my name and password! Let this be a warning to you kids: do not think up the coolest name and password that come in to your head when you're completely fucking pissed off your face.

Normal service will resume shortly. I may have things to write about, because I'M GOING TO ART COLLEGE!

W00t.

Also, I bought some Burzum vinyl last week, which totally makes me, like, soooooo much kvlter than all you losers. Oh yeah! No, but seriously, I think I am becoming a convert to vinyl, which is both strange (as my family already has a nice old-school hi-fi system and about 400 classic LPs of everyone from Hawkwind to The Beatles to Stiff Little Fingers to Prokofiev) and intensely annoying (the only shops round here that sell vinyl either sell DJ vinyl, or old records almost certainly contained in my parents combined collection).

Well, that said, I'll quite possibly be LEAVING THIS SHITHOLE ISLAND FOREVER some time in the next few months. Huzzah!

Thursday, August 10, 2006

People are just so, so, so stupid

Why do we bother actually trying to do anything to improve the world? Countless great men and women have spent their lives raging against the injustice and stupidity of the world, have fought to break the shackles round peoples souls and the walls that divide person from person, and what has happened? We swap old miseries for new miseries, shackles of steel for shackles of debt and constant surveillance. We've still got hatred, war, oppression, torture, cruelty, stupidity, malice, squalour and everything else, and it doesn't look like we ever won't so, why do we even dream about a better world? I sometimes wish I was an idiot, that I'd never read a book with small print, watched a decent film or listened to any music outside the charts. I feel like Platos prisoner who's turned round to see the fire and the walkway, but is still chained in place. I'm shouting at the others, but they don't want to listen.

It's probably something to do with being 18 and sober, now I think about it. I'm gonna go listen to Bill Hicks.

Wednesday, August 09, 2006

Wacken Report:

  • Finntroll live
  • Kilts
  • Blowing up discarded tents
  • Metal babies
  • MOTHERFUCKIN' EMPEROR
  • Finntroll live!
  • Mead
  • Curing hangovers with six more beers
  • Huge sweaty Germans wearing nothing but thongs, plastic viking hats, wellington boots and waterwings
  • Calling everything 'krieg'
  • COACH FUCKING NINE IST KRIEG!
  • Finn. Troll. Live.
  • Atheist re-union gig
  • Heatstroke hallucinations ist krieg!
  • Innumerable hot foreign chicks with Burzum shirts drinking mead from fucking horns man!
  • The fucking JOMSVIKINGS
  • Wombled a folding chair
  • Did I mention that I fucking saw Finntroll live and that it was the crowning moment of my otherwise dull and empty life?
  • No money for food and a tent full of Vodka and beer
  • That guy going round asking if we'd seen a guy with long hair and a black t-shirt
  • dragging massive crates of beer around with spiky belts
  • Taunting Liverpudlians
  • TROLLHAMMAREN
  • Oh yeah and, like, Morbid Angel and Korpiklaani and Motorhead and shit
  • Best. Festival. EVER!

Monday, July 31, 2006

Normal service will resume after Wacken Open Air

I simply don't have anything to write about right now. I'm just measuring out my life in coffee spoons till Wacken Open Air. Oh man!

Also

"My mummy comes from Venus
My daddy comes from mars
I come from Uranus
And I fly stolen cars!

Clockwork banana-banana moon
Clockwork banana-banana moon"

It still always amazes me how much crack Nik Fiend can fit in between three packets of cigarettes a day.

Sunday, July 23, 2006

Cutatarian 4 lyfe

I have recently discovered the existence of fruitarianism and have been sitting aghast at the joyless, wet, pathetic, stupid depths to which people can sink. In response to this, I have developed an opposing dietary philosophy, namely 'Cutatarianism'. The edicts of cutitarianism are simple:

  1. Eat only animals that possess an exceptional cuteness. Lambs, rabbits, ponies and chinchillas are all acceptable.
  2. If cute animals are not available, substitute majestic animals, or any animal that has ever been anthropomorphised in a major childrens cartoon.
  3. Pun often
I expect cutitarianism to be a resounding success. If I don't report back to you soon about my progress, I will probably have died from morbid obesity.

Saturday, July 22, 2006

The failure of White Metal

White Metal is pretty much a shitted up concept. A few white metal bands are passable, none are good, most are complete shit. The normal explanation for this runs something along the lines of "WEAKLING FOLLOWERS OF THE BASTARD CHRIST DEFILE THE PURE BLACK SANCTITY OF EVIL UPON WHICH BLACK METAL IS FOUNDED! POPESODOMY!", but the fact is that it is not the fact that these bands are Christian that are the problem. It is the fact that they are the wrong sorts of Christians.

Now, for all it's innumerable failings, Christianity is a religion that is, pretty inescapably, built on values of peace, love, tolerance, charity, forgiveness and beating to death homosexuals quiet persisting faith in the face of adversity. These are simply not attitudes compatible with black metal. Now, you get a lot of pagan black metal bands. Various pagan religions preach pretty unobjectionable values of tolerance, hospitality, personal integrity, faithful and true relationships, and dancing naked round cauldrons under the baleful gaze of the moon living in harmony and tranquillity with nature. Does pagan black metal ever talk about this? Do they fuck! You may get the occasional passing reference to the awesome majesty of the frozen North, but mainly what you're talking about is riding with the wild hunt to slaughter the cowering christian scum in their beds and burn their churches.

What I'm saying is, White Metal needs to take a similiar approach. You can't have a fucking crushing black metal song about turning the other cheek. No, what you need is:

  • Slaughtering infidels
  • Casting unbelievers down into the fiery pits of hell
  • Torturing witches in the dungeons of the Inquisition
  • The awful majesty of the baking Palestinian deserts
  • Crusading
  • ...etc.
The problem is that anyone who's going to be both liberal enough to like extreme metal and Christian enough to want to start an explicitly Christian metal band is probably going to be a pretty left-wing, easy going sort. Probably an Anglican or weekend Catholic. All the people who seriously believe that Christianity is about kicking ass and setting people on fire for disagreeing with you or keeping cats are either holed up somewhere in the Appalachians building up their assault rifle collection, running successful syndicated cable shows, or holding high political office, all professions too demanding to juggle with practices and gigs. What Christian metal needs is someone with balls who hasn't advanced his concepts of religion past the 13th century.

What Christian Metal needs, people, is Jack Chick.

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KRIIIIIIEG!

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

A sad day...

I've got a bike
You can ride it if you like
It's got a basket
A bell that rings
And things to make it look good
I'd give it to you if I could
But I borrowed it

You're the kind of girl that fits in with my world
I'll give you anything
Everything if you want things

I've got a cloak
It's a bit of a joke
There's a tear up the front
It's red and black
I've had it for months
If you think it could look good
Then I guess it should

You're the kind of girl that fits in with my world
I'll give you anything
Everything if you want things

I know a mouse
And he hasn't got a house
I don't know why
I call him Gerald
He's getting rather old
But he's a good mouse

You're the kind of girl that fits in with my world
I'll give you anything
Everything if you want things

I've got a clan of gingerbread men
Here a man
There a man
Lots of gingerbread men
Take a couple if you wish
They're on the dish

You're the kind of girl that fits in with my world
I'll give you anything
Everything if you want things

I know a room full of musical tunes
Some rhyme
Some ching
Most of them are clockwork
Let's go into the other room and make them work

Syd Barret, the legendary founder of Pink Floyd, has taken his final trip.

Farewell, and rest in peace Syd. We earthbound misfits will miss you.

Friday, July 07, 2006

It's only a movie...It's only a movie...It's only a movie...

No, seriously, what the hell happened to horror films? What the hell happened...in 25 years or so we've gone from Suspiria, Alien, I Spit On Your Grave, Carrie, Last House on the Left, Dawn of the Dead, The Shining, The Wicker Man, Zombi, The Evil Dead, The Thing; truly frightening and innovative works from all ends of every spetrum, to...well, what? Resident Evil, Silent Hill, Final Destination? We have a few nice things coming out still, particularly from Britain (28 Days Later and Dog Soldiers were great, and Shaun of the Dead is maybe the best horror-comedy ever), but even the best of it just...isn't too scary. Even latter day Hollywood gorefests like Saw and Hostel don't have a patch on something like Suspiria. Hell, even the modern independent horror films, such as The Blair Witch Project, are mired in a sort of smug post-modernism that drastically abrades any edge they might have.

One problem is that modern film-makers are thoroughly afraid of eroticism. It's fantastic how you can stick so many big-titted barely-legals in a movie and make it so fundamentally un-sexy. Film-makers in the seventies understood that perverted eroticism, summed up in rape-revenge classics like I Spit On Your Grave and Last House on the Left, and even the grotesque gigeresque sexuality of Alien is essential to any decent body-horror. It's the one thing people are not desensitised to, which is why rape-revenge always garners so many complaints and mudslingings, even from film cognoscenti like Ebert. Then, there's the fact that tension and suspense are all but vanished. I mean, look at something like The Wicker Man: you don't even know it's a horror movie until past halfway through, but most people will find it more unsettling than 90% of the modern crap. I mean, when was the last time you saw something as...tiring as the Shining, or the Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Leatherfaces saw just buzzing and buzzing and buzzing, and you know he'll never stop chasing her and never run out of petrol: that's the horror, not whatever he might do when he catches her. Gore itself just isn't that scary. Some of the goriest films of all time have been comedies (Bloodsucking Freaks anyone?)

And of course, there's the sheer fact of the Hollywood machine. Pretty much no category of film is as good as it used to be: it's all hashed and rehashed, safe boring crap with only a few directors with the clout to actually make something original.

Anyway, I'm kinda bored now. All I really wanted to say is: modern horror films suck shitloads of arse. So I'm gonna go watch Nightmares in a Damaged Brain and see if the plot makes any more sense the third time round.

I doubt it will.

Thursday, June 22, 2006

Most pretentious record review ever!

Ostara - Secret Homeland

by Michael Cunningham
" You miserable, uneducated half-men. You're not at all what we fought for...". So utters a Roman general at the opening of Operation Valkrie, addressing his Germanic captor who offers the general the flames of despair and the passing glory they consume in return for his life which he accepts despite his contempt. The vehicle of Ostara's music then drifts to us through the fog of Europe, the great mother of the grave. At times one may glimpse a spear held aloft, carried in deceitful fists until it is driven into the tragic sons of her soil and their blood that weeps with iron tears. In this work Ostara has created a melodic and beautifully tragic parchment which is soaked in Europe's restless soil. Acoustic and sweeping sounds swirl above the churning cyclic sea of death and rebirth as it rises and floods Europe with strife and struggle before the fall that brought her crashing down in acrid glory towards an impending Ragnarok and the open maw of Fenris, in who's eye one may gaze, fleetingly, at the distant memories of the polar Hyperborean throne drowned in the tidal myths that now conceal it's light. Operation Valkrie provides an informed and textured vision for the listener, strengthened by driving vocals this is a stunning work and is deserving of repeated listenings of the broken glories it envisages. This work rewards on every play and certainly lights the path for Ostara within the rising heathen halls of Midgardr.



...Holy shit. How much did they pay you?

Covenant winning the 'most ridiculous use of imagery in music' award.

We are submariners close to foreign shores. Time is like a blanket on my face: the soil on which we walk a mountain of mistakes for us to climb for pleasure. I hear your words melt like snow on my skin; you dig holes through the earth to meet the king of worms
to steal away his wisdom and learn to decompose. Time is like a liquid in my hands.

We are all airborne without ground control.

Monday, June 19, 2006

Guide to creating good parody band

With post-modernism and hipster irony still seemingly on the rise everywhere, it seems there's just more and more parody bands of various sorts around, often parodies. The large majority of them are pretty crap, because they fail to actually get the point of being a comedy band. For a comedy band to be good, it must observe several rules:

1) It MUST ACTUALLY PLAY GOOD MUSIC. Tom Lehrer got away with his delighful ditties on Gonorrhea and Nuclear Apocalypse because he could seriously tinkle the ivories. Crotchduster flow better than Mr. Bungle and have tight, technically minded guitarwork. Even Tenacious D knew how to rock the hell out. Making the basis for your joke band 'HEY GUYS LETS PLAY REALLY SHIT LOL' is fucking retarded. Mainly because Anal Cunt have already done it. About 30 times.
2) You must have a thorough knowledge and, dare I say it, respect for the thing you're making fun of. Hipsters playing joke metal (see Goblin Cock) will never, ever be as good as metalheads playing joke metal (see Viking Skull, 3 Inches of Blood, etc.). Thus why no metalheads actually listen to Goblin Cock. This is also probably why there is almost no real parody emo around (The one notable exception being Vegan Brownies by the Horn-Rim Jobs). I could never start a parody emo band, because I fucking hate emo, and most emos couldn't do it because they're too bloody uptight. It's almost the opposite to goth, which actually started as a piss-take and then got taken over by terribly serious people with amusing hair (This is why you don't even need goth parody bands: the entire genres been parodying Bela Lugosis Dead for over 20 years now).
3) It has to be all out. Music is, generally, a medium that lends itself better to the expression of strong ideas and emotions. Thats why you get so much music about love, despair, hate, passion etc., and not so much about slight discomfort, or mild anxiety, or something. Fuck subtlety.
4) Swear a lot.
5) Be original. Maybe check to see if your idea has been done before, because if it's good, it probably has. Best example of this I can think of was when one of my mates suggested 'Lawnmower Metal' as a ridiculous metal genre, upon which me and another mate just looked at each other and then played him some Lawnmower Deth. Also, never, never, never rip off Anal Cunt or Tenacious D. Just no.

Don't.

Sunday, June 11, 2006

The real reason why Wikipedia is useless for students.

Length of Wikipedias article on Count Sergei Witte: 674 words.
Length of Wikipedias article on Spider-Woman: 3022 words.

From this, we may conclude that either:

a) The geeks shall inherit the earth.
b) By inductive reasoning the following hypothesis: the amount of import a wikipedia article has to world affairs and mainstream intellectual life is directly inverse to its quality.
c) Wikipedia is a load of shit.

Saturday, May 27, 2006

News just in.

Pigs fly.

Darkthrone accidentally release a Carpathian Forest album as one of their own.

Tomato with perfect facsimilie of Jesus' arse found in
Mexico.

The Comfort of Total Fear

My current big obsession is fundamentalist Christians. I suppose I came on to it through doing some net reading on conspiracy theories, when I started noticing just how many conspiracy theorists were fundies. David Icke, with his 'nothing but love' new-age ramblings is definitely the exception rather than the rule, and it is no surprise that other conspiracy theorists, such as Alex Jones, hate him: Not only does he make them all look much more stupid, but he's just far too nice: he's not a religious bigot, he's not an eschatoligist...hell, he doesn't even hate Jews!

The time I really started noticing the correlation was when I was reading through the entire collection of Chick Tracts and Comics at chickcomics (laughing my arse off all the time) and I realised that all you'd need to do is replace the demons with the Illuminati and this could be almost any conspiracy document. Some don't even get to the devil...who needs old horny when you've got the black pope? All that christians have needed to do is just insert Satan behind the NWO (which, predictably enough, gives us Jews=NWO=Satan, to use the classic conspiracist formula) and maybe play up the Catholics a bit more and shazaam. Revelations could almost have been tailor-made for turning people into paranoid nutcases (Also, aren't paranoia and hallucinations both side-effects of massive hashish consumption? Just saying...)

What this basically allows the Christian Fundamentalist is the blissful comfort of hating and fearing absolutely everything, from black metal to pokemon, from dungeons and dragons to orange juice (The sweetened urine of Satan himself, apparently). This removes them from the onerous task of thinking about anything for more than two seconds:

10 IF SOMETHING$ /= BIBLE THEN GOTO HELL

What I have done with these thoughts is fuse them into one of the many ideas for a novel that I always have on the boil. Basically, fuck the Catholics. How about if all of christianity is a conspiracy theory? Yeah, I know, it's been done, but hey.

Mine has vampires.

Wednesday, May 17, 2006

The people who design A-Level exams should be taken outside and shot behind the chemical sheds.

I have to memorize, by fucking rote, key quotations from four. fucking. texts. One of them a Chaucer. If I don't, I can't hit the linguistic analysis assesment objective, and so I can't progress past C/D, even if my other assesment objectives are met with such crippling brilliance they would cause Neitzsche to scream in envy. What I don't understand is, FUCKING WHY!? COULD THE TIME SPENT MEMORIZING THESE BLASTED FUCKING BASTARD WHORESON QUOTATIONS NOT BE BETTER EMPLOYED LEARNING SHIT ABOUT ENGLISH AND APPLYING THAT LEARNED FUCKING KNOWLEDGE? DO CRITICS WRITE THEIR FUCKING REVIEWS WITHOUT THE BOOK THEIR REVIEWING AT HAND? DO TEACHERS TEACH THEIR TEXTS WITHOUT A COPY? WHAT IS THE GODDAMN FUCKING SHITTING POINT AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGH.

Also, I have an extreme desire, at this moment, to go out into the garden, break off an enormous stick from the apple tree, and beat my sister into a bloodied pulp. But that's another post.

Hell, that's another fucking blog.

Thursday, May 11, 2006

Stop mis-using black metal terminology.

If you freely and seriously use the term 'Necro' to describe the music you listen to, it's very unlikely that you actually know any bands that are necro.

And you are probably an idiot.

Wednesday, May 10, 2006

Kinda creepy.

It's kinda creepy to think that people are still reading and positively reviewing my several year old Hellsing fan-fiction.

However, it is also strangely comforting to know that the intervening years have done nothing for the english skills of the average fanfiction.net user.

Monday, April 17, 2006

More musings on the political leanings of bands.

Damn fucking nation, but Arghoslent have me perplexed.

On the face of it, Arghoslent look like they should be the Klans outing into death metal. They sing about the glories of imperialism and slavery, and feature woodcuts of slavery scenes prominently in their artwork. Certain lyrics as well, portray standard racists views: there are lyrical suggestions of the inferiority of blacks and whatnot in songs such as 'Flogging the Cargo'. However, I see numerous problems:

*A proper racist/fascist band wouldn't call a song 'Flogging the Cargo'. They wouldn't put a song such titled as the first track on an album called 'Incorrgible Bigotry'. Would they? It would seem almost that if that were so, and Arghoslent were serious in their political beliefs, they would be adopting the title of 'bigots' as a positive moniker. Now, I'm not too good on the word reclamation schemes of the far right (if, indeed, they exist) but I have NEVER seen anyone positively use the term 'bigot'.
*Their website is wrong. Could you imagine Nokturnal Mortum putting up their hate-mail? Or Burzum's website ever failing to link to tediously lengthy articles on Aryan superiority and odalism? Arghoslent even reprint an article by an Isreali music writer and fail to call him a filthy agent of ZOG. That's like a Jamaican dub MC hugging a gay guy.
*Their approach is too historical. When they voice specific racist views, they are seemingly talking from the mouths of historical characters. Most importantly, there is no romanticism. Nazi's and deep south racists have this in common: They almost always romanticise. If they are not romanticising, they are at the other end of the scale with bands like Grinded Nig. Arghoslent are neither of these things.
*They're on a Carnivore tribute, now, unless it's a different Carnivore, and I don't think it is, that, to me, speaks VOLUMES about their worldview.

My opinion: Argholsent, no doubt, have extreme beliefs, but I don't think these fall anywhere within the traditional extreme-right spectrum. These guys are classic extreme metal misanthropes, who have found the one area that will still make everyone uncomfortable. Gore lyrics may have shocked once, but to our modern, desensitised minds, not even the sickest thing Cattle Decapitation could pull out their hats (and 'Extracted Pus, Mistaken for Yoghurt and Gargled' is pretty bad) can make us do anything more than grin in sick delight: despite their intentions, I doubt CxDx have created a single vegan. Hideous blasphemies and sexual perversions? We love it. Nattefrost can sing about raping preteens and Marduk can sing about raping Jesus, and yet barely anyone in the metal scene even thinks about rejecting them. Nattefrost can even record himself taking a piss and vomiting, whilst countless black metallers have stage acts dripping in blood, feces, self-mutilation, pigs-heads, meat-bras, nudity, vomit and goodness knows what. And yet, we seem pretty unpreturbed. Even Anal Cunt, Arghoslents assault, therefore, may simply be the most brutal and effective attack on our politically correct sensibilites they could muster, allowing them to spread their misanthropic hatred by reminding us of incidents from our past far too raw to consider. Even their involvement with right wing labels and distros is understandable: Who else would touch them? Well, the answer is Drakkar, which, for me, nails it right in the coffin as to what side of the bigotry fence they're on. A band on the same label as Haggar and Qntal is definitely spreading the hate equally.

Of course, I might just be over-analysing. Maybe they spend all their leisure time in white sheets? Either way, they turn out a splendid riff, and I have no problems whatsoever shopping from Drakkar. I may have to pick me up some Arsenal of Glory.

Monday, April 10, 2006

I'M DEAD FUCK YOU!

The Alien Vampires LP is OUT! Clutch your feeble, clammy mortal fingers round your credit cards and experience the evil today.

Or just check out the previews @ THE ALIEN VAMPIRES OFFICIAL SITE

Sunday, April 09, 2006

Death in June are not fucking Nazis.

Please fuck will someone get a brain, learn french and actually read the lyrics of Death in June - Klaus Barbie and think about them.

I will translate them for you:

Where is Klaus Barbie?
Where is Klaus Barbie?
Where is Klaus Barbie?
Where is Klaus Barbie?
He is in the heart.
He is in the heart.
He is in the black heart.
He is in the heart.

Where is Klaus Barbie?
Where is Klaus Barbie?
Where is Klaus Barbie?
Where is Klaus Barbie?
He is in the heart.
He is in the heart.
He is in the black heart.
He is in the heart.

Liberty
This is a dream.

Where is Klaus Barbie?

Klaus Barbie is the Butcher of Lyon. The song is in french. Klaus Barbie is represented here as a symbol for the lurking specter of genocide, the fatal flaw of hatred and violence at the heart of humanity that forever denies us freedom. It's not a nazi track. What are their other Nazi tracks? Rose Clouds of Holocaust is about the German people being led through the concentration camps and being shown what was done in their name. People will tell you it is holocaust denial, but 'When the Angels of Ignorance fall down from your eyes' becomes obvious if you've ever seen the newsreel footage of a German citizens reaction to seeing the lampshades of human skin, and, if you think about it, the song just doesn't make sense as holocause denunciation. Go find the lyrics to an actual holocaust denunciation song (Skrewdriver and Prussian Blue have some I believe, I'm not a RAC expert) and see what I mean. What else supports the idea they're nazis. The Totenkopf-6? Please people, Joy Division are named after the official SS Whores and the intro and chorus of Warsaw is Rudolph Hess's prisoner number. Throbbing Gristle constantly used concentration camp photos in their artwork. Nazis? No. It fits exactly into the punk/post-punk/early industrial obsession with the power of Nazi imagery. Remember when Siouxsie and the Banshees wore Swastika armbands? Anyone calling them Nazis? No. It seems people cannot deal with poetry and ambiquity, because people are fucking dumb. Want more evidence?

Death in June - Lullaby to a Ghetto

So, this is your life
This is your world
In a lullaby to a ghetto
Where you murder boys and girls

Ashes of a butterfly
On a blood-soaked wand
Painted, all decorated
Absent and missing
Like secret dreams
And, broken promises
Like all our dead
And thoroughbred

Let the absence of life begin
To form an ash
And diamond lake
Revisionist, rust-torn and red
Black sun baked

Frank eyes never lie
They weep and shine
With that emptiness
Feral inside them
That mirrors can't define

Don't look to God
He's turned away
Savaged by the smell
Of the first of seven days

So, this is your life
This is your world
In a lullaby to a ghetto
Where you murder boys and girls

ACTIVE DENUNCIATION OF HOLOCAUST DENIAL. Real Nazis don't even MENTION Ghettos and Auschwitz. They try and paint it white.

Oh, and don't forget Douglas Pearce is a gay socialist WHO USED TO BE IN CRISIS.

TO ALL THE PEOPLE CALLING DEATH IN JUNE NAZIS AND USING THE SAME BRUSH TO TAR CURRENT 93, SOL INVICTUS AND EVERY OTHER NEO-FOLK BAND:

FUCK OFF

Wednesday, April 05, 2006

COMIC TEASER!

One page completed, 2 pages rough teasers.

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The main thing I'm worried about at this stage is people not getting the jokes. Also, still experimenting to see how the art-style is gonna work out.

Tuesday, April 04, 2006

Update on the comic.

Work is still actually proceeding apace. I have one page fully pencilled and inked, one page fully pencilled and half inked, and one page half pencilled. When I have finished pencilling the third page I will try computer inking it to see if that is faster.

Also, the characters now have noses. It looked cool without 'em in the concept pics, but when I came to actually drawing the damn action it just started looking silly, especially when they were in profile.

I fucking hate hipsters

Oh Gods, don't you? Have you never seen a scrotty cunt with a godawful haircut, three belts, a baby blue slogan shirt and pants down around his arse and just wanted to just beat him with a bike chain until he looked like something out of The Evil Dead? I know I have. Oh, but why hate the hipsters, you ask. Why not?

Reasons for hating hipsters:

1. They have no real taste.

The average hipsters taste is composed of nothing but flavpurs of the month, safe 'classics' that random people at shows and on the web will '<3' them for liking, and any band that they think no-one else has heard of that will enhance their 'cred'. They are trapped in a hellish musical present by their pathetic need to have chronologically superior tastes to everyone else (OMG I LIKED NEUTRAL MILK HOTEL WHEN I WAS IN THE WOMB). The idea that people might actually care how long they've listened to a band for compared to others did kinda shock me, but it's true. The really funny thing is how absolutely anything outside the accepted hipster canon is then simply written off as a 'guilty pleasure', thus proving that the hipsters concept of taste is entirely linked to outside forces. I mean, I genuinely do feel guilty and ashamed for listening to Meat Loaf and Bonnie Tyler (shut up!), but feeling guilty for listening to SKINNY PUPPY? Come the fuck on people. Also, Hipsters will utterly love a band, then completely forget about them en masse. I remember when hipsters everywhere (though especially in America, where the worst of Englands music is hailed as almighty) thought Franz Ferdinand had descended from Olympus to gift mankind with rock, and now no-one even mentions 'em.

2. They are self-contradictory.

Hipsters thrive on a percieved notion of cultural superiority. The notion is, that they have a wide-ranging knowledge of art, music and film that makes them sophisticated and cool and elevates them above mere mortals. In fact, they have a very blinkered and narrow knowledge of certain types of art, music and film (mainly of the bland, pastel, ironic and utterly dire variety). All hipsters lists of top ten films will include Garden State. They used to all include Napoleon Dynamite as well, but that got uncool, thank fuck. Hipsters will generally know nothing of any area of music outside the remit of the 'indie'. And of course, the ultimate irony of almost all independent stuff, except for a very minor fringe of real DIY bands, is that none of this stuff is indie by choice. It would love to be mainstream, and, given the right marketing or swing in popular tastes, 99% of it could be. Indie music, in particular, is almost singularly bland, unadventurous and, in fact, almost entirely resembles its mainstream counterparts except for a general lack of production polish. Hipsters even champion these tedious, mainstream aspects of their music (pop sensibilities olol), though, cretinous fashion zombies as they are, few of them can entirely live on a diet of gut-wrenchingly bad indie pop (though those that do should arguably be shot on site to prevent contamination of the gene-pool. Not that many Belle and Sebastien fans do more than have a little paddle in it, but hey, better safe than sorry.) and they do accasionally adopt some entirely random musical trend (alt. Country, lighter drone music and post-rock spring to mind. Note the relative non-offensiveness. The Hipsters ain't taking even an ironic liking to grindcore anytime soon.) This random trend stuff will be the only decent music a hipster listens to, apart from old Beatles records. The really, really awful thing about hipsters though? They hate proficient music. They overwhelmingly dislike guitar solos and any form of progressive rock (even Pink Floyd ffs). This, in my book, is pretty much grounds for the extermination camps.

3. They dress like retards.

See: 99.9999% of Myspace.

4. They like Starbucks and its pallid clones.

This just about speaks for its fucking self. Go stick your fucking cold moccacino americano latte monte verde up your fucking arse.

That was therapeutic but I'm bored now. Friend of mine just put me onto this black/death metal from his area, called Martyrdom and they ain't bad. They are certainly at this moment more interesting than ranting about fucking hipster scum.

Check 'em out

Monday, March 27, 2006

Why is it so difficult to think of things to write about?

I mean, seriously. I have a lot of interests, I have a lot of strong opinions. I should totally be rocking out in the blogosphere, yet I can never seem to make a blog last more than, what, a few months at most? I've been wracking my brains, and I just can't quite figure out why this is. I think, possibly, that this is because for me to be stimulated to write something, it has to be in the form of discussion. Ie: some slavering right-wing retard puts forward a point, I annihilate it. Someone says a band they like, I beat them to death with a pick handle and piss on their mothers grave for having such appaling taste.

Also, I totally forget things. I could reivew movies and albums and shit I've heard here, couldn't I? In my normal, cheery, chirpy, comic manner and all.

Well, okay, on that note, the latest Harry Potter movie...just don't.

Also, it's r-r-r-random fact time! DID YOU KNOW that neither Eric Harris or Dylan Klebold (of Columbine high school) ACTUALLY LISTENED TO MARILYN MANSON? Fact. They were rivetheads, if anything. KMFDM and Rammstein. The press just instituted Manson because no-one knew who either of those two bands were. Sad but true, folks, sad but true.

Tuesday, March 21, 2006

Thursday, March 09, 2006

It's finally happened.

Posts to this blog shall become more sporadic than normal, as I have begun work on a new, time consuming project: A webcomic to end all webcomics. Despair, ye mighty.

Image hosting by Photobucket

Monday, February 27, 2006

How to enjoy modernist literature in five easy steps.

1: Purchase the complete works of Virginia Woolf and James Joyce.
2: Pile them up
3: Pour petrol over them
4: Strike a match and throw it atop the pile
5: Marshmallows!

If your fire starts going out, chuck on a few herstory professors and post-modern literary critics who use the word 'irony' too much.

Tuesday, February 21, 2006

Forums, and why they suck.

There are four rules that determine the suckiness of a forum:

1: If the forum has too few members, it will be boring, and suck
2: If a forum has too many members, the majority of them will be noobs, things will fall off the front page too fast, duplicate threads about excruciating trivia will spawn like amoebas, and everything will suck.
3: If a forum has too many rules, topics will cycle through endless repeating mundanities incessently, a lot of tongues will be brown with moderator shit, and everything will suck.
4: If a forum has too few rules, it will be over-run with spam, trash, and trolls and suck.

Any forum that has transgressed rule 2 will have spawned at least one forum or irc channel where old time regulars will get together in an attempt to recreate the good old days when the forums were lively, stimulating and possessed of a genuinely friendly atmosphere (most forums do actually experience this time: it lasts for approximately 6 hours.) At least one, because these old-time regulars will often as not be divided into conflicting camps of people who fucking hate each other, sometimes for no good reason. These camps have often arisen because of some ancient drama which is one of the primary reasons why the forums are no longer lively, stimulating, or possesed of a genuinely friendly atmosphere, and try, because in reality a good 80% of what they do is bitch about how much better stuff was in the good old days. In return, they normally exacerbate problems on the forum, as they are often closed communities, and indeed occasionally act extremely retardedly about this. And if there's one thing drama whores on the internet hate, it's not being a part of something.

These groups can, if you wish, be added to the litany of bodies that comprise the NEW WORLD ORDER, alongside the Illuminati, the Freemasons, Skull and Bones and the International Boyscout Movement.

Most forums, incidentally, are type 1's because the normal stages in setting up a forum go like this:
1: Internet nerd creates forum for the discussion of some subject so utterly mind-numbing even someone as nerdy as me* wouldn't find it interesting, such as the hairstyles of Final Fantasy characters or the appreciation of neo-classical Occarina music.
2: Internet nerd forces everyone on his AIM or MSN list to join.
3: Shit all happens.

As you will have seen, therefore, all forums, except for at very limited periods of time, suck. What they suck, I'm not sure, but my experiments are tending towards the answer 'camel cock'. This means that we should probably all stop wasting our time with forums. As I regular two forums, and sporadically post on or lurk about seven, and need forum regularity as part of my complete existence, all this probably explains why I am so totally fucked up. If I regulared just one more, I'd probably start listening to Insane Clown Posse and cutting myself. That's how fucked up I am. Unfortunately, I still have intelligence and a sense of humour, but don't worry, I'm planning on a lobotomy. That will truly allow me to enjoy the internet, instead of having the same relationship with it a heroin addict has with his needle, and also to be 'down with the clown'.

Because fuck knows you need a pretty damn glacial IQ for that.

*And I am really fucking nerdy. You want to know how nerdy? I wrote this fucking post.

Sunday, February 12, 2006

Metal Reviewers suck.

Honestly, I can't really think which I find more infuriating: the ultra-pretentious , self-absorbed wanksters from Pitchfork or, well, pretty much any metal reviewer you care to mention, bar a select few. "Egad!" I hear you cry "But, surely, your hatred for hipsters is legendary across the ether, how could the reviewers of your favourite genre inspire such hatred into you?"

Well, let me list the problem with the large majority of metal reviewers:

1: They are small-minded pieces of shit, who wouldn't know musical innovation if it came up and played jazz chords with their spine. If a band is not black enough, thrashy enough, deathy enough, downbeat enough, upbeat enough, well produced enough or badly produced enough for their impoverished personal taste it will be dismissed out of hand. They have very little
2: They are lazy and bigoted. These go together well. Reviewer doesn't like a band? "OMG THEY'RE GAY". Reviewer doesn't like the vocals? "OMG IT SOUNDS LIKE HE'S SUCKING COCK AS HE SINGS OLOLOLOL" Now, I'm not advocating political correctness in the metal world, because political correctness sucks, well, whale cock. What I am suggesting is that a) certain death and black metal reviewers take a good, hard look at their own sexuality and b) that anyone indulging in this practice tries to remember that they are a music reviewer, that is reviewers of music. The shit with the notes and the chords. If you just say a band is gay, I might think it's some sort of wicked crossover queercore or something. How about describing why it sucks? WARNING: You may ACTUALLY have to know something about music to do this.
3: They are self-absorbed. How many times have you read a review that says almost nothing about the actual release as well, but is just a long load of waffle in which the reviewer goes on some extended, bizarre metaphor about what the band sounds like (in the end telling you nothing about what they sound like), or just describes in huge detail how much he hates the band and would like to kill them (I'm not gonna name any names, because that's rude, but there's a certain review I'm thinking of here, that possible counts as the worst metal review ever. And it's not even by UltraBoris. I'll just say that it's on a site that specialises in gore metal and it involves hockey, and leave the knowledgeable to nod and smile) or something equally inane. Sometimes, you will not even be sure of the genre of the band in question at the end of the review.

There are a lot of other annoying practices metal reviewers indulge in (Excessive namedropping (the only one of these crimes I could realistically be charged with), elitism, pointless digresssion and atrocious writing are the major ones) which bug the shit out of me, but that covers most of it.

I will add this caveat: I am mainly directing this against metal reviewers online. Metal reviewers in magazines are either sell-out whores (Kerrang!, Metal Hammer et al) or mature, sensible people who know a bit about music and can actually write (Terrorizer, Zero Tolerance et al) and are thus excused.

EDIT: Except for that wierd semi-nazi who writes for ZT sometimes. He's an idiot.

Saturday, February 11, 2006

Vampires! Vampires! Vampires!

Who here likes vampires? Who fucking doesn't, that's what I'd like to know. I'm trying to formulate a theory of awesomeness, which reads at the moment something like awesome thing+vampirism = more awesome. I mean, Quentin Tarantino? Awesome. Vampire Quentin Tarantino? I'm THERE baby. Vampirisation is especially good for those things that you're really supposed not to find cool: the SS had suave uniforms and horrific crimes against humanity. Vampire SS have that and fangs. Awesome!

Sorry for all this by the way, I just watched Nosferatu: A Symphony of Horror ('The First Vampire' version with soundtrack by Type O frickin' Negative) and two episodes of the much-overlooked vampire thriller Ultraviolet, which may very well be the best live action TV series involving our blood sucking friends. It's like Spooks (even has some of the same actors), but with fold-out carbon stakes, and it has Jack Davenport. He's great in serious roles.

...

vampires!

Tuesday, February 07, 2006

The whole Cartoon fiasco.

"OOOH SVEN, I'VE GOT A REALLY GOOD IDEA"
"WHAT IS IT HANS?"
"YOU KNOW HOW, IN MUSLIM EYES, IT'S A DIRECT INSULT AGAINST GOD TO DRAW AN IMAGE OF THE PROPHET MUHAMMED?"
"YEAH, IT'S LIKE, PRETTY MAJOR BLASPHEMY HANS. SO WHAT?"
"WELL, I THINK IT'S SILLY. LETS GET SOME CARTOONISTS FRIENDS TO DRAW LOADS OF PICTURES OF HIM. NOT ONLY THAT, BUT LET'S HAVE SOME OF THEM BE REALLY OFFENSIVE TOO. AND BY OFFENSIVE, I MEAN BRANDING A RELIGION OF ROUGHLY A BILLION PEOPLE WHOSE VERY NAME MEANS PEACE AS TERRORISTS."
"IN THE CURRENT POLITICAL CLIMATE, ISN'T THAT LIKELY TO INCENSE ISLAMIC FUNDAMENTALISTS FAR BEYOND THE POINT OF JIHAD?"
"JIHAD SCHMIHAD! FUCK JOURNALISM! LET'S POINTLESSLY INSULT ONE OF THE WORLDS MAJOR RELIGIONS AS AN EXERCISE IN FREE SPEECH! I MEAN, THEY'RE ONLY MUSLIMS. IT'S NOT LIKE WE'RE GAY BASHING OR ANYTHING SERIOUS"
"I SUPPOSE NOT! FUEL ON THE FIRES OF HATRED IT IS!"

It's not like I'm condoning any of the subsequent actions, but printing the cartoons, particularly those cartoons, just to make a point, was fucking retarded. All the people out there on forums and in the blogosphere who cannot understand why muslims are offended, or who are saying the equivalent of "They shouldn't attack the west in general, it was only a bunch of Danish cartoonists, they're all darn dirty woman-beating terrorist dogs" (thus fulfilling the circle of stereotyping and stupidity) are also fucking retarded. Indeed, that is pretty much the summation for this whole affair, and the entirety of world politics: fucking retarded.

This blog...

Is no longer a solely mp3 blog. It is now mainly a ranting and raving and bitching and hating blog.

Wednesday, February 01, 2006

Things Which Should Be:

1: A 28 minute long proggressive death metal track featuring no less than 12 guitar solos, 3 keyboard solos, extended cross-genre passages and at least 5 vocalists, with the lyrics being the entirety of 'The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock' by T.S. Elliot.

I fucking dare you to even imagine something more pretentious.

2: A decent fucking metal DAB radio station

Ie, not Kerrap! radio.

3: A full album of fucking heavy metal covers of classical and soundtrac pieces.

And I don't mean Trans-Siberian Orchestra style. If possible, this would have no keyboards at all, just full on awesome triple guitar assault, dripping with distortion, in place of an orchestra. Tracks covered would include 'Night on a Bare Mountain' by Mussorgksy, 'Ride of the Valkyries' by Wagner, 'Danse Macabre' by Saint Saens, 'Toccata and Fugue in D Minor' by Bach, 'Hall of the Mountain King' by Grieg and 'Imperial March' by John Williams.

4: Ulver vs Merzbow

*orgasm*

5: World peace

Distant contender this one. Someone do the fucking covers album now!

Things Which Should Not Be:

1: Roadrunner United Tours

Ville Valo singing Black #1 is as insulting and painful as someone peeling off all my skin and dropping me in a vat of urine.

2: The third minute of Black Sabbath - Electric Funeral

Way to ruin a song guys. Who the hell is that in the background going 'ELECTRIC FUNERAL! ELECTRIC FUNERAL!' in a voice that I refuse to believe anyone has ever found anything but comic?

3: My Chemical Romance

OR, the story of how an average rock band turned into hideous parodies of themselves dressed as Good Charlotte impersonators by only their second album (I mean, come on guys. Even Underoath lasted longer than that)

4: My Chemical Romance fans

I saw them live when you didn't even know they existed and touched Gerard Way. And I didn't enjoy it a fortieth as much as you would. Unfortunately, you can't get in to see them because you're 12. Go play with your fucking barbies.

5: 'Hardcore' dancing

Oh PLEASE. Worst I saw for this was a Dillinger Escape Plan (awful, awful band btw) concert with wall to wall bandana wearing spacktards windmilling, but I've heard tales of Bleeding Through concerts to chill the bone. Well, okay, I suppose if your music is a jerky spastic bunch of pretentious crap there's no point doing anything even resembling normal dancing or moshing to it, but why do something so fucking stupid. Not even skanking makes you look as dumb as this. I use the inverted commas because none of the music people do this to is in any way hardcore. Hardcore = Black Flag and Bad Brains. Your music = retarded pussycore. Or something.

6: Every 'goth' under the age of 16

Okay, I was one of these once, but seriously, I should have been stoned to death with my own Cradle of Filth CD's, and I wasn't THAT bad. I mean, I at least listened to Bauhaus, and didn't own any Nightmare Before Christmas related clothing. I suppose I can tolerate these types, but only if they don't call themselves goth, punk or metal without really, really, really good reason. Like actually having claim to such a title. And I mean really good reason. Like, no-one under 16 can call themselves a punk in my book unless they stood in on guitar for the UK Subs the night they got out after spending a year in prison for urinating on a riot cop during an anti-globalisation protest.

7: Shit, I dunno. Lars Ulrik or something.

What a tosser.

See, that was still somewhat music themed!

...

...aw crap

Monday, January 23, 2006

Cryptic Wintermoon

Official website

Okay, I've thought of a decent subject for a blog entry: Everyone go out and buy all three Cryptic Wintermoon albums right. fucking. now. You shall do this for three reasons:

1) Cryptic Wintermoon has a minutely small fanbase next to latter day Cradle of Filth. This is obviously the result of a vast karmic unbalance towards evil in the world which must be corrected before it brings about World War 3.
2) Cryptic Wintermoon finally and absolutely dispel every notion you have about Symphonic Black Metal being either a) untrue or b) homoerotic. Well, ok, maybe it won't dispel b, but all black metal is pretty homoerotic on some level. (In the same way a masonic ritual or SS troops marching in their swimming trunks can be considered homoerotic: in a deeply disturbing way).
3) Anyway, they're totally fucking insane, balls to the wall, metal from hell. But with fuckloads of symphonic keyboards.
4) And no, they really don't sound like an overly bombastic cliche movie soundtrack. This is largely because they decided not to let Mustis be in their band.
5) They have a song called Supersatan, in which the vocalist equates himself with a satanic hot-rod that runs on liquid fear, and which includes the immortal line "It won't be nice to meet up with me, 'cos all I wanna do, is to fistfuck you."
6) Do you need any more reasons? Go shopping!

Unfortunately the mp3 section on their website is down. Ah well.

Sunday, January 22, 2006

Oh fuckdammit.

I cannot think of anything to write about, and I don't want to keep making these lame teeny little band posts.

bleh.

While I try to find a muse, help me wage the war on happiness and bad music by spreading the gospel of dark music to all and sundry. Rawr!

Saturday, January 14, 2006

Orkrist

official site

It's been a hell of a week, sorry about the lack of updates. Just time enough to eulogise my latest underground discovery, Orkrist. Great Tolkien metal, with a real epic feel and a cutting edge of black metal. Fantastic female vocals and medieval instrumentation put Orkrist above the pack: unfortunately, I believe they're now broken up, which is a crying shame.

Sunday, January 08, 2006

Because I like lists...the five essential folk metal albums

A lot of times, people come up to me, and they go 'Master! The gods have given unto me a vision: They say 'go listen to folk metal!' Where should I begin my quest.'

Okay, neither that or anything remotely like it has happened to me before. But it's a nice excuse to churn out an otherwise futile list of my favourite folk metal albums (Which shall be masquerading here as 'essential' folk metal albums. Ie, buy 'em you gits.) No, I jest, as my top five would probably include at least one Korpiklaani album: this is just five albums that anyone who claims to dig folk metal should own unless they want to look very stupid.

1: Skyclad - Prince of the Poverty Line



Skyclad, Skyclad, Skyclad! Could they be the best band in history*? Yes. Could this be their best album? Probably. I have trouble with this question. With such a large, disparate and consistently awesome discography, it's often a matter of mood. Prince of the Poverty Line is, however, most definitely an essential Skyclad album. Their early stuff has influenced a lot of people: and this is maybe the best of that period, a perfect blend of their influences as of that time. Classic tracks fade into each other in almost unbeatable runs as the band rails off their tightest conceptual release by far: The Answer Machine? doesn't even come off as a concept album, whereas the theme of urban decay and poverty (inspired by the bands often squalid living conditions) that permeates Prince... is all too obvious.

2: Bathory - Blood on Ice



It is an absolutely inescapable fact that 95% of Viking Metal albums ever made have been trying to either be this, or the equally brilliant Hammerheart. Given when work started on Blood on Ice, it was fantastically ahead of it's time, and, whilst you could easily debate the generic accuracy of calling this folk metal, it still stands as one of the genres primary influences, as well as an epic work in its own right.

3: Waylander - Reawakening Pride Once Lost



The beautiful, spacey intro, 'Sunrise', then the manic upbeat folk-metal assault of 'Born to the Fight' is one of my favourite starts to any album ever. I literally don't know what happened to Waylander after this spectacular debut: The Light The Dark And The Endless Knot was decidedly lackluster. Let's all pray to whatever we all pray to that it was just a blip, as this album is packed with awesome folk metal, from the uplifting 'Awakening' to the mournful 'A Hero's Lament' and the sheer energetic assault of 'King of the Fairi'. The pacing is particularly brilliant.

4: Finntroll - Jaktens Tid



Picking a favourite Finntroll release is like picking a favourite sexual position. They're all good, but you've gotta have a favourite, dammit. Now, personally my favourite Finntroll release is the quirky, dark ambient/experimental folk EP 'Visor Om Slutet', but that wouldn't fit into the list so good. Choosing one of Finntroll's three studio albums to replace it was a hard graft, but Jaktens Tid won out, if for nothing else for what happens 1:20 in to 'Slaget Vid Blodsalv'. Either nod and smile, or buy it, you uncultured bastard.


5: Agalloch - Pale Folklore



Are Agalloch really folk metal? I normally end up manufacturing some spurious genre descriptor for them, and their unique music that blends influences as widespread from the metal genre as Pink Floyd, Swans and Sol Invictus. However, their natural themes and excessive love of very neo-folk acoustic guitar place them in the genre in my book, and thank goodness for that, because there's not many genres who'd be ashamed of these guys.


Some bloody close runners up:

Cruachan - Folk-Lore (Too similiar to Skyclad and Waylander, somehow)
Korpiklaani - Spirit of the Forest (Too silly)
Wyrd - Huldrafolk (Awesome, but not quite awesome enough)
Wuthering Heights - Far From the Madding Crowd (Not folk metal enough)

*I speak of the Martin Walkyier-fronted Skyclad. I like to pretend the band no longer exists.

Alien Vampires

Official Site

'Dehumanised industrial trance with the spirit of black metal'. Members of Ars Gothica and Aborym/Cybertron. Demo available from site. Do I really need to say much more?

I recommend 'Funeral Rave' to really get you pumping.

Thursday, January 05, 2006

The art of losing a pre-nascent readership: 5 artists I hate.

1: Radiohead

Aaagh, are my fellow human beings really boring enough to consider OK Computer the greatest album of all time? Has the intelligent music listener really sunk to such levels of bland apathy that Radioheads unoriginal and conservative attempts at experimentation, their pedestrian song-writing, their meaningless lyrics and Thom Yorkes singularly awful vocals can actually inspire them? Fuck me. Radiohead wouldn't be so bad on their own (there are plenty of boring, over-rated bands) but I can never forgive them for, essentially, singlehandedly* ruining the British rock mainstream for about the last ten years, as their clones spawn subsequent clones in an endless vomiting torrent of emotionally and spiritually vacuous art college rock.

2: The Books

The worst thing about The Books is I can't work out why I hate them. It could be all the hipsters ejaculating over them and hailing their originality (Three words gentlemen: Nurse With Wound), It could be the annoying and witless way in which they use their samples, or it could just be the fact that they represent yet another once interesting musical phenomenon defiled by the indie scene in their never-ending quest for music that is at the same time both 'hip' and different, whilst still being bland enough for their beigey tastes.

3: Bright Eyes

Someone with some decent pursuasive skills should basically convince Conor Oberst that the only way to gain himself and his whineing bilge lasting fame is an Elliot Smith-style self stabbing. Then, once he's done it, we can wrap him in sacking, bury him in a shallow grave, pour quicklime on his corpse and never speak of him again.

4: Nizlopi

It is no stretch for me to say that, beyond the Crazy Frog, The JCB Song is almost certainly the worst thing of 2005. It's insipid, it's talentless, it's been elevated to the public consciousness by something other than it's own merits (Radio 1 played them every fucking show at one point during their anti-bullying campaign), it's got a horrible 'twee' cartoon video (more about why indie pop needs to be thrown off a cliff some other time I'm bitter, ie tomorrow) and it's just really, really bad. Also, I don't know, but has anyone ever suggested to Luke that if he stopped telling everyone stupid lies about his dad, he might not get the shit kicked out of him.

5: James Blunt

Yeah, I know this one's really obvious, but please, can this guy just stop? Tell you what, I'll take out a hit on him right now. Bring me his head**, and I'll administer you oral sex and give you all the money in my piggy bank. Sweet deal, huh? Seriously, I have almost 20p.

*Okay, Oasis helped.

** Preferably after severing it with a bread-knife.

Sunday, January 01, 2006

They come from the distant galaxy of Batsylvania...

Invasion of the Mutant Space Bats of Doom!

A self described 'Intergalactic Superstar Midi Metal/Space Opera/Deathwave Electro Power Metal band', IOTMSBFD are one guy and a horde of astral death-bats, who create deranged 8-Bit metal ridden through with insane vocals, thumb-tapping chip solos, infectious riffs and Thunderbirds samples. Handle with extreme caution.

Also, Happy New Year. Hootenanny!